Old Stuff The stories we had to read at the back of the barn as kids now come in on the radio. Niagara Falls Review.
Cut This Out —A solicitor says that a person who borrows an article and does not return it is a potential criminal and has a lack of common decency that would make an ignorant savage shudder. Try cutting this out and pasting it on your umbrella. —The Humorist.
Subtle Comeback -A Lady Supervisor of Village Morals accused a workman of having reverted to drink because “with her own eyes” she had seen his wheelharrow standing outside a public house. The accused made no verbal defense, but the same evening he placed his wheelbarrow outside her door and left it there all night. -New Statesman and Nation.
Progress -By hard work and close application we may in the next few years get back to where we were ten years ago. —Fredericton Gleaner.
Just As Noisy Girls who used to get linger exercises on the piano are now content to get it lingering the dials on the radio. Niagara Falls Review.
Smiles Won’t Do Pay your taxes with a smile, urges a writer. We’d love to, but our collector insists on cash.—Port Arthur News-Chronicle.
He’d Always Win -A regular whist player says he wins one day and loses the next. A good idea would be to play every other day. Regina Leader-Post.
Useless A writer points out that you can preserve many tilings in alcohol. But not your reputation. Vancouver NewsHera'd.
Small Hope There is still some hope for free lands. Dictators drive fast and do considerable Hying. Brantford Expositor.
New Disease Many of the cows that frequent our highways die from Bang’s disease, caused by automobiles banging into them.—Niagara Falls Review.
Labor-Saving—Then there was the man who worked himself to death trying to meet the installments on his wife’s labor-saving appliances. Kingston WhigStandard.
The Daily Risk - Modernism: Risking death every day to reach our jobs and homes; shuddering at the thought of risking death to save freedom.—Edmonton Bulletin.
Good Guarantee—“It is quite inconceivable that the U. S. A. would invade Canada, or vice versa,” declares a writer. But then neither has signed a pact promising not to.— Punch.
The Last Man—The man who hustles around, saves his money, and gets into business for himself has one bit of security others do not have. He knows that the boss is always the last man fired.—Ottawa Journal.
Going Down—“In case of fire, slip on something and hurry downstairs.’’ reads a notice in the bedrooms of a West End hotel. If the thing one slips on happens to be the top stair, the rest should be easy. —The Passing Show.
Slight Difference—A magazine article says Christians and Communists are alike. Except that the Christian divides what he has, and the Communist divides what you have. Toronto Star. Low and Mean—Jake has been talking about the weather and he wants to know what is a mean temperature. He thinks forty below zero is a mean temperature, but the weather man says that’s not a mean temperature but a low temperature. —Prince Rupert News.
Better Stay Aboard—A course in aviation is to be given at the University of Toronto. That is a course that is hazardous to drop out of.—Peterborough Examiner.
A Hard JobIt must be pretty hard for insurance actuaries to figure the expectancy of life in Europe without being sure in advance of what Der Fuehrer and II Duce might do.—Montreal Herald.
Adjustment Needed—Our tried and proved form of government isn’t going to be discarded because some of its machinery is out of order. You don’t junk an automobile just because the carbureter fails to work; you proceed to adjust the carbureter. Niagara Falls Review.
3,000 Miles—Among the things that make people yearn to smite the tyrant are a sense of justice, a hot head, and 3.000 miles of salt water.—Fort William TimesJournal.
Reducing Exercise—Picking up cards in the morning, a health hinter suggests, will reduce a man’s abdomen. Doing it at night has been known to reduce his bankroll, too.—Montreal Star.
Fun in the Nineties—The world improves. Dad remembers when the height of worldliness was having the coat lapel adorned with a celluloid rose which squirted water.—Fredericton Gleaner.
Good and Wicked -If we are to believe the tombstones, the good die at all ages and the wicked don’t die at all.—Charlottetown Patriot.
Passing Everything—A clergyman says men are not much interested in a love that passeth all understanding. But they are in a new car which passeth everything else on the road.—Quebec ChronicleTelegraph.
Maybe Adam Laughed at These
Easily Supplied — Friend: “Did you
get any replies to your advertisement that a lonely maiden sought light and warmth in her life?”
Spinster: “Yes. two from electric companies and one from the gas people.”— The Blue Bell.
Tough Eating—A navvy entered a coffee shop down near the docks, and ordered a meat pie. After he had eaten a little of it, he turned to the proprietor, exclaiming: “Lumme, gov’nor, what have you put in this ’ere pie? It ain’t ’arf tough.”
“Horse flesh,” was the sarcastic reply.
“Well.” retorted the navvy. “I don’t mind ’orse, but yer might ’ave took its ’arness off.”—Galt Reporter.
Tough for Her Age — “My grandmother,” announced Mr. Blowhard to the world in general, “is a wonder full y’strong old lady, When I saw her last, she was sitting at the fireside, patiently knitting.”
“Indeed!” scoffed the listener. “And I suppose that proves her strength?”
“Well, not exactly,” he replied. “But if you had seen her as I saw her —knitting wire netting with a couple of crowbars— I guess you’d agree that she’s tough for her age.”—Dresden (Ont.) News.
A Peaceful Remark—Rastus had returned to the house earlier than usual, and a male friend of his wife’s had hidden as best he could under the sofa.
On entering the room Rastus looked slowly round, and then felt in his pocket, producing a wicked-looking razor.
“What you all goin’ to do, Rastus?” cried Dinah, in great agitation.
Rastus looked at her grimly.
“Dinah,” he said, “if dem feet stickin’ out dere don’t belong to nobody, 1 is goin’ to shave.”—Saint John Citizen.
Efficiency—“You ain’t one of them fellows who drop their tools and scoot as soon as knock-off blows, are you?”
“Not me. Why, I often have to wait five minutes after I put my tools away bef. re the whistle goes.”—Brantford Expositor.
Our Queer Language—“Dad, how can guns kick when they have no legs?” asked Bertie.
“Don’t ask absurd questions,” declared his father.
“Guns haven’t any legs, have they?”
“Then, what’s the use of their having breeches?”—Montreal Herald.
The Best Company—First Veteran: “Our infantry company was the best drilled in the whole army. When we presented arms all you could hear was ‘slap, slap, click !’ ”
Second Veteran: “Good? When our
company was on parade and presented arms all you could hear was ‘slap, slap, jingle!’ ”
First Veteran: “That’s impossible.
How did you get the jingle?”
Second Veteran: “Oh, medals!”—Saint John Citizen.
Looking for Daddy—Little girl (at police station): “Mother heard that you arrested a hobo, and she says will you please let me have a look at him, because daddy didn’t come home last night.”— Charlottetown Patriot.
Modernized — Laird (revisiting old castle for shooting): “And how is my
great-uncle, Sir Giles, the ghost that used to walk up and down stairs all night?”
Host (and new owner of the castle who has had the place modernized): “Oh, the ghost. He doesn’t give us a wink of sleep, keeps ringing the hell for the lift all night.” —-Montreal Star.
LeadershipFootball Coach (to players): “And remember that football develops individuality, initiative and leadership. Now get onto the field and do exactly as I tell you.”— Drumheller Review.
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