HUMOR

WIT AND WISDOM

November 1 1948
HUMOR

WIT AND WISDOM

November 1 1948

WIT AND WISDOM

HUMOR

Guaranteed Protection — You should hope your child will he a girl, then you won’t have to worry about her marrying one.—Brandon Sun.

Quit Stallin’—In certain wellinformed circles the belief is that the wrong Russians are jumping out of windows.—Port Arthur NewsChronicle.

Inflation—At the rate the world is going we’ll soon have to enlarge the eight-ball! —Guelph Mercury.

Swastika Dancer—They will try “Axis Sally” in the U. S. for treason. She may get 10 years in the pen, or three weeks in a floor show. —Brandon Sun.

Any Takers?—Tf food prices keep on rising, “dollars to doughnuts” will soon be an even bet.—Toronto Globe and Mail.

Flash!—More power to Hydro development.—Guelph M ercury.

Turnabou tLittle girls like dolls; little hoys like soldiers. Big girls like soldiers; big boys like dolls.—Brandon Sun.

Process of Elimination—Quite often jjeople are judged by the company they keep—out of.—Timmins Press.

No Comment—Twenty per cent jewelry tax is proposed on oysters because people find pearls in them occasionally. Oysters remain silent. —Surrey Leader, Cloverdale, B.C.

What Imaginary Line?—When one asks at the border before entering the United States what he will be permitted to bring back as purchases, reports the Port Arthur News Chronicle, the answer is one pound of tobacco, one pint of whisky and one gramophone record. One side of the platter is “Little Brown Jug” and the other “Smoke Rings.”

Or Standing in Line—A café in Berlin has a room where customers can take a nap after meals. Some of us take ’em while waiting for service.— Kitchener-W aterloo Record.

Internal Revenue—British tax Hollywood movies 75%, which is still less than the amount Hollywood movies tax American audiences.— Surrey Leader, Cloverdale, B.C.

Alarmists—Early risers are such a nuisance. They disturb those who disturbed them by going to bed late. - —Quebec Chronicle-Telegraph.

Thermometer Rising—One

paradox about a warm welcome is that it often includes something that has been on ice.—Toronto Star.

Rusty—A baker was delivering bread in the avenue. A woman hurrying homeward from her shopping stopped him.

“Have you left me any bread?” “Oh, yes, madam.”

“Is it today’s?”

“Certainly, madam.”

“Well — yesterday’s wasn’t.” — Trochu Tribune.

Lockjaw ?— Druggist: How’s your wife?

Customer: Oh, she can’t complain. Druggist: I didn’t know she was

bad as that.—Elmwood Herald.

No False Alarms—Farmer Jones retired and moved to the big city. In the morning after spending the first night in the new home, his wife said: “Well, Pa, hain’t it about time

you was getting up to build the fire?” “No, siree,” replied the old gent. “I’ll call the Fire Department. We might as well get used to these city conveniences right now.”—Prince Rupert News.

Riot Call—Prison Guard: Sir, I want to report that; ten prisoners have just broken out—

Warden: Sound the alarm, blow the whistle, issue the machine guns, broadcast a warning—

Prison Guard (interrupting): Let

me call the doctor first, it looks like measles.—Kirkland Lake Northern News.

Mental Cruelty—Judge: Why is life so unbearable with your wife?

Man: Your honor, she insists on

keeping a goat in our bedroom, and I can’t stand the atmosphere.

Judge: Couldn’t you open the

window?

Man: What! And let my pigeons out?—Moose Jaw TimesHerald.

Take No Chances—To the construction headquarters of a British railroad project in the Sudan came a telegram from a section gang announcing the death of their English foreman. It had been dispatched

by the native assistant foreman, who asked for instructions.

Headquarters wired back: “Bury

him. But first make quite sure he is dead.”

The next day they received this report : “Buried boss. Made very

sure he was dead. Hit him on head with large shovel.”—Winnipeg Tribune.

Pile ’er Up!—A very careful driver recently approached a railway crossing. He stopped, looked and listened very carefully. All he heard was t he car behind him crashing into his gas tank.—Galt Reporter.

Passport—Sentry : Halt! Who goes there?

Voice: Canadian.

Sentry — Advance and recite a verse of “O Canada.”

Voice: I don’t know it.

Sentry: Proceed, Canadian!—

Ingersoll Tribune.

Night Errand—Cop: Have you

any explanation tor wandering around drunk at; this time of night?

Drunk: Shay—if Í had an ex-

planation I’d a’ gone home to my wife hours ago.—-Crag and Canyon, Banff.

Collision With Fact—Lady Motorist: “Can you fix this fender so my husband will never know I bent it?”

Mechanic: “I doubt it, lady, but I can fix it so’s you can ask him in a few days how he bent it.”—Carstairs News.

Future Bliss—The children had been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them to buy a copy of the picture each. “Justthink how nice it will be to look at the photograph when you are all grown-up, and say: ‘There’s Rose;

she’s married,’ or, ‘That’s Billy; he’s a sailor.’ ” A small voice at the back of the class piped up, “And there’s teacher; she’s dead.”—Sí. Marys Journal-A rgus.