Parade

Parade

Alimentary, my dear Watson

August 30 1958
Parade

Parade

Alimentary, my dear Watson

August 30 1958

Parade

Alimentary, my dear Watson

Canniest cop we’ve heard of in months is the Glace Bay, N.S., sergeant who was assigned to return to their homes three strayed toddlers. It turned out the kids were good and lost—none of them knew where he lived. The cop just gave the trio his third-degree glare and demanded, “Where do you buy your candy?” At that they broke, and all started babbling happily, “Jean’s.” After that it was elementary to track down Jean's confectionery

I OK-COME CLEAN WHERE PIP YOU

and grocery store in nearby New Aberdeen, and find from which homes in the immediate neighborhood the candy kids had fled.

* * *

There has been a great renumbering of houses going on in Burnaby, B.C., causing postmen no end of confusion. On the first day when new numbers were supposed to be posted by householders, one postie was working his way satisfactorily down the block when he came upon one number that bore absolutely no relation to those on either side of it. So he knocked on the door to make enquiries. The housewife who answered clearly wasn’t too familiar with English but she maintained stoutly that she had put up the number the government sent her. She handed him the government card to prove it—only it was a customs card giving the number of a parcel being held for her.

* * *

We’ve heard about a polite and swiftthinking wedding guest in Ottawa who watched with dismay as the bride came down the aisle in a beautiful afternoon dress and small flowered hat . . . for the guest realized she herself was wearing the identical hat. But nobody noticed the duplication all through the wedding and reception. Not even the bride, for the guest used the hushed moment when all eyes were on the bride to adjust her own hat so that it was back to front.

An Edmonton shopper got home to discover she’d left a parcel of meat somewhere, probably in the little gift shop where she'd made her last call. It w'as already past closing hour, however, so she couldn’t telephone the gift store until next morning to ask if that’s where she’d left her meat. “Yes and I ate it,” declared the voice at the other end of the line, with lingering satisfaction. "What do I owe you?”

* * *

What the tourist season has done for AmeriCanadian relations we don’t know, but we do know that one southern gentleman has returned home baffled to Hamilton, Missouri. The woman proprietor of a motel near Toronto did her darndest to make him take the cheapest room she had, though he and his wife wanted to celebrate a hard-earned holiday by taking one of her posh new units. “But it’s three dollars more,” the woman kept complaining, and when finally forced to give them the key she boiled right over. "You Americans from the States!” she fumed. "Always you want to spend

money, spend money. Never a thought of saving even when I give you the chance. You ought to be ashamed!”

Then snatching the proffered currency she peeled off the three extra dollar bills and handed them right back.

* * *

Sign on the back of a painter and decorator’s truck in Wiliowdale, Ont.: “Have gun. will spray.”

* * *

A fellow in Fort William whose property backs on the Neebing River w'as mighty proud of his three-year-old screen of willows, all thirty-five of which he planted along the bank himself. Then a

plague of beaver hit them, and the poor man has fought a losing battle all summer despite help from dog catchers, police, game wardens and just about everyone but civil defense. At peak, the beaver were hacking down and carting away his willows at the rate of three a night, until someone suggested chasing them away with floodlights. First night their work area was illuminated, the slab-tailed so-and-so's got away with four trees.

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