During Toronto’s recent mayoralty campaign, candidate Margaret Campbell described the atmosphere in Ottawa as “tight-up.” That’s what Margaret Campbell knows about today. But don’t laugh — how’s your “now” rating? Take this test and find out. Get a piece of paper and do the whole test straight through. And no sneaking a look at the answers (below) before you’re finished. Just one thing more: we’ve planted traps. So watch it!
1. (a) What sign are you?
(b) Can you name a famous person in your sign?
(c) This is the Age of :
2. Do you subscribe to:
□ (a) New Yorker
□ (b) New York
□ (c) United Church Observer
□ (d) Village Voice
□ (e) EVO
3. Have you ever been to a:
□ (a) private discothèque
□ (b) pop festival
□ (c) boutique
□ (d) film festival
□ (e) Couchiching Conference
4. To the best of your knowledge, have you ever been called:
□ (a) a hippy
□ (b) a freak
□ (c) a swinger
□ (d) a beatnik
5. Do you live in:
□ (a) an apartment house with
more than three floors
□ (b) an apartment house with
three floors or fewer
□ (c) a town house
□ ( d ) a farm
□ (e) a commune
6. A rolling stone is:
□ (a) something that gathers moss
□ (b) one fifth of an English rock
□ (c) bible of the rock’n’roll world
7. Have you ever:
□ (a) talked to a Black Panther
□ (b) had a Negro as one of your
□ (c) voted NDP
□ (d) put flower stickers on your
□ (e) quoted Pierre Berton
□ (f) been Maced
8. Your favorite Canadian writer is:
□ (a) Hugh MacLennan
□ (b) Pierre Berton
□ (c) Leonard Cohen
□ (d) Mordecai Richter
□ (e) Morley Callaghan
9. Unisex — have you worn:
□ (a) a see-through blouse or shirt
□ (b) a headband
□ (c) more than two rings
10. Have you ever been mistaken for the opposite sex?
11. If Hair came to your local theatre, would you:
□ (a) ask to try out for a part
□ (b) attend a performance but
leave before the nude scene
□ (c) attend a performance but
leave immediately after the nude scene
□ (d) boast that your naked spouse
looks better than anyone on stage
12. If you were having a party, you would invite:
□ (a) Eldridge Cleaver
□ (b) Tiny Tim
□ (c) Buff y Ste. Marie
□ (d) Joe Namath
□ (e) Pierre Trudeau
□ (f) Marshall McLuhan
□ (g) Mrs. Onassis
13. Do you know the meaning of:
(a) to crash
(b) to rap
(c) to score
14. How many times have you seen each of the following:
(a) Citizen Kane
(d) Battleship Potemkin
(e) Sound Of Music
(f) 2001 : A Space Odyssey
15. Have you ever been to:
□ (a) Grey Cup game
□ (b) a Grey Cup party
16. Your favorite TV talk show is:
□ (a) Merv Griffin
□ (b) Steve Allen
□ (c) David Frost
□ (d) Jack Paar
□ (e) Johnny Carson
□ (f) Pierre B er ton
17. You drop:
□ (a) your cool
□ (b) your trousers
□ (c ) acid
18. Your comic-book favorite is:
□ (a) Mary Worth
□ (b) Beatle Bailey
□ (c) Li’l Abner
□ (d) The Wizard of Id
□ (e) Peanuts
19. On Laugh-In, who was the first to say:
(a) Sock it to me
(b) Here come de judge
(c) Goodnight, Dick
(d) Verrry Interesting
20. With a spare dime, you would:
□ (a) buy 10 black balls
□ (b) buy a coffee
□ (c) put it in a dime bank
□ (d) put it in a parking meter and
lie down for a 30 - minute suntan
□ (e) give it to a worthy cause
21. Marijuana is:
□ (a ) grass
□ (b) smack
□ (c) pot
□ ( d ) Mary Jane
22. Describing something great, you would say:
□ (a) wow
□ (b) groovy
□ (c) cool
□ (d) out front
23. On Sunday evening, you watch:
□ (a) Weekend
□ (b) W5
□ (c) neither
24. A dime bag is:
□ ( a ) a bag of coin candy
□ (b) a silver purse
□ (c) $10 worth of marijuana
25. Which of these books have you read?
□ (a) Valley Of The Dolls
□ (b) Cocksure
□ (c) / Citing
□ (d) The Comfortable Pew
□ (e) Thoughts Of Chairman Mao
26. Fashion for men only; have you worn:
□ ( a) beads
□ ( b ) bells
□ (c) sideburns
□ ( d ) turtleneck
27. Fashion for women only; have you worn:
□ (a) a miniskirt five inches above
□ (b) a maxicoat
□ (c) a body stocking
28. When meeting someone for the first time, do you:
□ (a) shake with both hands
□ (b) ask for their sign to see if you’re compatible
□ (c) look as detached as possible
□ (d) say, “Glad to meet you”
29. Can you match the group?
Frank Zappa David ClaytonThomas Eric Clapton Peter Tow ns he nd Skip Prokop
leader and the
The Who Blind Faith The Paupers Mothers of Invention Blood, Sweat and Tears
30. How many pop groups can you spot? Underline them as you go. After a huge, four-wheeled Pacific Gas and Electric company truck moved from the driveway, we five roared off on our turbans-eight motorcycles into the traffic. Uniongap flags flapped from gleaming high-backs. Sam and Dave hooked up with us a half mile down the road and Chad and Jeremy (the last of the young rascals, so our mamas and papas called them) tuet at the hook, a main crossroad just outside the city. There once was an old barn and chicken shack on the north corner, with all sorts of critters and red cockadoodles. The south corner is just a junkyard with an old 1948 Chevy run into the ground, a fat mattress striped blue and grey and an old warped sign that still reads 1910 Fruit Gum Company. We rode with thick, black jackets, turtles stitched on the back. Not like a few years ago, when we all had crewcuts, ate vanilla fudge and got peanut butter stuck all over our small faces. In those days we even saved box tops from cornflakes to send for trading cards of animals, rhinoceros, electric eels and elephants. Now, ten years after, you’d never guess who we were. The neighborhood thinks we’re nothing but losers. But every mother’s son has got to find out about himself and every son’s mother has just got to keep a little blind faith. Although doors are slammed in our faces and we never get to say the last words, we're part of the love generation and that can’t be much of an inkspot if you do your part of the loving.
HOW NOW ARE YOU? continued
8. You may like Hugh MacLennan but you still lose two points. And for Pierre Berton deduct five. (If you are Pierre Berton, lose another 50 points.) If you’re reading Leonard Cohen’s work, add three. If you’ve read enough of Mordecai Richler for him to be your favorite, add five. Morley Callaghan is worth one point.
9. Three points for style if you’ve worn a see-through blouse or shirt. Deduct two for ruining the style if you wore it with a bra. Wearing a headband over the forehead is worth two points. And now is the time for wearing more than two rings; add one.
10. If you have ever been mistaken for the opposite sex, you can add two. But lose four if you liked it.
11. Two points for wanting to get into the act. Leaving before the nude scene gives you one. Leaving after the nude scene loses you two. Three points for marrying a person who can take his or her clothes off and still look great.
12. If you know who Eldridge Cleaver is and you’d still invite him to a party, add one point. Tiny Tim is worth two points at any party. Considering Buffy Ste. Marie is worth two points and two more if you would actually invite her. Joe Namath gets three points. If you think Trudeau is what every party needs, lose one. McLuhan and Mrs. Onassis tie for minus two.
13. Add two points for each correct answer. To crash means to sleep and to rap something means to talk about it. If you thought scoring was to get a date, deduct two. You only score when you buy dope; add two.
14. Add a point for every time you’ve seen each movie, except the Sound Of Music (lose a point for each time). Two more points if you turned on for 2001. If the Stagecoach you saw starred Alex Cord instead of John Wayne, deduct three points.
15. There are two ways to go to the Grey Cup. If you paid for a ticket, lose two; but if you slipped past the gates unseen, add two. If you can’t see it without paying, the last thing to do is go to a Grey Cup party. Lose four points.
16. If Merv Griffin is your man, you're watching someone who never was or will be first on the current scene. Lose two points. For Steve Allen, you can add two points and for David Frost, five. No points for Jack Paar—just get your TV fixed. Johnny Carson gives you two points. If you’re a Pierre Berton fan and watch his
program, deduct five points.
17. If you think you drop your cool, you blow it. Lose one point. Deduct three points for dropping your trousers. Knowing that to drop acid means taking LSD wins you two points. Doing it loses 10.
18. Mary Worth loses you one point and two if you take her seriously. For Beatle Bailey, add two. If you’re still reading Li’l Abner, deduct four. You can score three points for The Wizard of Id and two for Peanuts.
19. If you said everyone socked it to Judy Carne, add one point. Knowing it was Pigmeat Martin who first said, “Here come de judge,” won’t lose or gain you a point. On Laugh-In it was Sammy Davis, for two points. If you knew it wasn’t Dick Martin saying, “Goodnight, Dick,” but Dan Rowan, add two points. Arte Johnson was the man who said “verrry interesting,” for three points. If you didn’t know Goldie Hawn said, “Gotcha,” add one point. Knowing that she did loses you three points for watching a program that’s on its way out.
20. If you can eat 10 black balls, add two points. Lose two for buying a coffee. If you like the idea of a 30minute suntan under a parking meter, add three for doing your own thing. For contributing to a worthy cause, add one.
21. You are right if you said marijuana is everything but smack; add three points. No points if you didn’t include all three. Smack is just a fancy name for heroin.
22. “Wow” is today’s word and worth three points. If you think everything is still “groovy,” lose four points. You only lose one point for saying “cool”
— it’s ready for a comeback. “Out front” gets you four points for knowing how to stay ahead of the phrase game.
23. Watching Weekend loses you one point. W5 is a gain for two. If you don’t watch either, add three points. (If you don’t have a TV, add four.)
24. There’s only one kind of dime bag
— a $10 package of marijuana. For this answer, add two points.
25. If you actually read Valley Of The Dolls, lose four points. You can add three points for Cocksure and five for I Ching. Even if you just made an attempt at Thoughts Of Chairman Mao, add two points.
26. If you’ve worn beads outside your house, add two points. If you own a
pair of bell-bottom trousers, add one. (Wearing them to work is worth another point.) Two points for sideburns that go below the ears, and if you just can’t grow hair there, one point for trying.
27. If your miniskirt averages five inches above the knee, add two points, but deduct one if you wear high heels with it. You can add one point for wearing a maxicoat this year, and a bonus two points if you wore one in 1968. A body stocking loses one — nudity is disappearing.
28. If you like a good handshake, add one. Add three points if you want to know his sign. Lose one point for looking detached. If you’re inclined to say, "Glad to meet you,” lose two points for lack of imagination.
29. Add two points for every correct match: Frank Zappa of The Mothers of Invention, David Clayton-Thomas of Blood, Sweat And Tears; Eric Clapton of Blind Faith; Peter Townshend of The Who. Deduct one if you matched Skip Prokop with The Paupers (he’s left the group).
30. Add a point for every pop group spotted:
Pacific Gas and 1910 Fruit Gum Electric Company We Five Turtles Turbans Vanilla Fudge The Traffic Small Faces Union Gap Box Tops Sam and Dave Animals Chad and Jeremy Rhinoceros Young Rascals Ten Years After Mamas and Papas Guess Who Them Every Mother’s Son The Hook Blind Faith The City Doors Chicken Shack The Last Words Critters Love Generation Fat Mattress
If you named The Crewcuts and The Inkspots, lose three points each. If you thought Red Cockadoodles was a group, lose five. It isn’t.
WHEN YOU have finished the quiz, add up your score and deduct the losses. Those of you more than 30 years old get a head start: add your age to your final score. If your score is between 150 and 186, you’re so “now” you shouldn’t be doing this quiz. Between 100 and 150, you are convincingly “now” and could make the scene almost anywhere with a little brushing up on Ginsberg and Warhol. Between 50 and 100, you’re losing touch with the generation you live in. Below 50, you’re a “then” person and completely out of touch. □
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