COLUMN

Adrift with Al, Bill and Herb

A quiz on the sex life of Knowlton Nash, 'galimony’ suits and other tidbits

Allan Fotheringham May 25 1981
COLUMN

Adrift with Al, Bill and Herb

A quiz on the sex life of Knowlton Nash, 'galimony’ suits and other tidbits

Allan Fotheringham May 25 1981

Adrift with Al, Bill and Herb

COLUMN

A quiz on the sex life of Knowlton Nash, 'galimony’ suits and other tidbits

Allan Fotheringham

Time for the spring edition of the Fearless Fotheringay Current Events Whiz Quiz. Only one entry allowed per customer. Generous prizes will be awarded. Ineligible are employees of Maclean's and residents of Alberta. Marks will be awarded for neatness.

1. Write an explanation, to be placed in a time capsule for future generations, explaining how the Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland are practising Christianity by killing each other.

2. Please explain what the editorial writers of Canada did before the constitution issue was invented.

3. Would you sleep easier on your pillow if Gen. Alexander Haig, as he desires, were running the United States? Expand.

4. Does Joe Clark exist?

5. Prove it.

6. You are trapped in a lifeboat for 90 days with Margaret Thatcher, Sterling Lyon and Merv Griffin. Describe in detail the most charming features of each and in what order you would throw them overboard. 7. What activity, for excitement, most resembles a Stanley Cup final between the New York Islanders and the Minnesota North Stars: (a) Watching paint dry? (b) Observing the grass grow? (c) Listening to a speech by Stanley Knowles?

8. A lady reporter from The Washington Post has been forced to return her Pulitzer Prize and resign because she confessed that she had made up a story about a child drug addict. Please discuss the relevance of this with the example of a male prime minister who confessed to the House of Commons that he had made up a story about his dealings with the British prime minister (female) over the constitution. What advice do you give him?

9. The CBC this autumn will shatter tradition by moving the 11 p.m. national news to 10 p.m. Do you think this will affect Canadians’ sex life?

10. Do you think Canadians have a sex life?

Allan Fotheringham is a columnist for Southam News.

11. Do you think it will affect Knowlton Nash’s sex life?

12. To what do you think Marc Lalonde can attribute his basic charisma?

13. Reams of newsprint have been devoted to the “galimony” suit which resulted in tennis star Billie Jean King admitting she had had a lesbian affair. How do you think this will affect: (a) the drought in Saskatchewan? (b) the Bank of Canada interest rate? (c) the Newfoundland seal hunt? Take your time.

14. If Joe Clark did exist, what do you think he should do?

15. You are trapped in a lifeboat for 27 days with Gen. Alexander Haig, Premier Bill Davis and Herb Gray. Would you: (a) cry? (b) pray? (c) swim?

16. A West German magazine purchased the tapes of a supposed long-distance telephone conversation between Prince Charles and Lady Di. Please construct the imaginary telephone conversations between: (a) Marc Lalonde and Mrs. Peter Lougheed, (b) Billie Jean King and Lloyd Axworthy, (c) Margaret Thatcher and Punch Imlach.

17. Please explain the relevance of the young millionaires who now populate NHL clubs appearing in their prime television time of the season like a group of youthful winos who would like to grow a beard but can’t quite.

18. Those Liberals who would like to succeed Pierre Trudeau now include Eugene Whelan, Herb Gray, John Roberts, Jean Chrétien, Mark MacGuigan, Allan MacEachen and Francis Fox. Does this make you want to: (a) cry? (b) pray? (c) swim?

19. Canada now has the highest interest rates ever, combined with the highest inflation rate ever. Finance Minister Allan MacEachen says the Liberals shouldn’t be blamed. Who do you think should be blamed: (a) Ed Broadbent? (b) Anne Murray? (c) the Calgary Flames?

20. The Liberals wish to replace the new chairman of the Canada Development Corp. with Maurice Strong, the financier who temporarily held a Liberal nomination in Toronto and who was associated with the European firm that made a $900,000 commission on the sale of Petrofina to Petro-Canada. Explain all this to a high school political science class.

21. Jeffrey Simpson’s Discipline of Power, the book that explains how Joe Clark’s Tories fumbled their way out of power in just nine months, has won the Governor-General’s Award for nonfiction. Do you feel it was entered in the right category? 22. Nelson Skalbania, the «flamboyant Vancouver millionaire and purchaser of gsport franchises, has purchased Los Angeles Rams quarterback Vince Ferragamo for the Montreal Alouettes. He is also the man who signed Wayne Gretzky. What do you wish he would purchase next: (a) the Toronto Argonauts? (b) the Toronto Maple Leafs? (c) the federal budget?

23. You are a lecturer in governmental philosophy. You are to explain to your class how the government of the United States plans to raise its expenditure on arms by cutting down on food stamps and the benefits to miners with lung disease. You are also to explain how the government of Canada, so as to retain the support of the province of Ontario on constitutional matters, has proceeded on a program to keep an artificial ceiling on the worth of Alberta oil so as to keep Ontario energy costs low. Please submit your notes.

24. Once Canadians have endured all the mush and slush from the Lady DiPrince Charles match this summer, do you think it will make them: (a) more monarchist? (b) less monarchist? (c) grown-up? Ask your teen-ager.