Let's close out the year by reflecting on the pivotal personalities of 2007 and revealing the Second Annual List of Words That Ought to be Added to the Dictionary:
beckham n. a failed messiah.
celine n. the fear that a longstanding blight on one’s country, who for years has been safely ensconced outside one’s national borders, may now be tempted to return: Citing a growing nationwide celine, the prime minister ordered immigration officers to apprehend William Shatner on sight.
t clemens n. to be revealed not only as a chronic cheater, but as a chronic cheater who cheated by having another man stick needles in his bum.
conrad n. the phenomenon 9 by which one’s public use
K 7 JW of flamboyant multi-sylJ "**W labic hyperbole decreases in response to the increase in odds of spending the rest of one’s life in a 6 x 9 cell with a 320-lb. man named Tiny.
dion n. the steadfast belief that you are awesome in the face of widespread evidence that you are, in fact, not awesome. v. to regret one’s selection: The chicken turned out to be overdone, prompting Walter to dion his entree—especially since the ignatieffilooked delicious!
federline v. to undergo a radical redemption in public image, not because of any
admirable qualities of your own, but entirely due to comparison with the inebriated shenanigans of the tramp you knocked up.
gore v. to receive a prestigious award that pretty much guarantees your future insufferableness: In a ceremony last night in Hollywood, Cher gored the Oscar for Best Actress.
groban v. 1. to sell millions of records to which no one ever admits listening. 2. to sing only when accompanied by at least 4,000 violins, n. a strange affliction that condemns a musical artist to pose with the exact same blank facial expression on every single one of his record covers.
f harper v. to spin one’s wheels;
to fail to get ahead despite countless opportunities to do so against laughably feeble competition, n. the predictable and relentless search for someone to blame for the whole failing-toget-ahead thing: After yet another box-office bomb, Nicole Kidman embarked on a harper against her agent and publicist.
hillary n. a full year’s supply of vague, v. to overlook a political candidate’s obvious flaws because the candidate’s spouse is so damn charming even though he’s totally hitting on your wife right now.
hilton v. to enter one’s 14th minute of fame, usually while stoned.
huckabee v. to be taken seriously, unexpectedly: I dropped a note in the suggestion box and now Tve been huckabeed to give a presentation to the board of directors!
jolie v. to adopt, copiously.
jong-il v. the sudden and in explicable waning of a once ominous threat: Thatforecast for 50cm ofsnow has been jong iled to scattered flurries.
karlheinz n. l. convoluted, hard to follow: These directions to the hockey rink are karlheinz. 2. from the ancient German exclamation, translated roughly as ‘T know, I know—I can’t trusting this guy either.”
layton n. 1. a mythical creature rumoured to exist but only rarely seen. 2. A patch of facial hair that legally remains the property of1987: Those lamb-chop sideburns look great with your layton.
mulroney n. a mysterious place where sincerity goes to die. v. 1. to “apologize” withOyr” f' out seeming a bit contrite. 2. fMUjgjf Old Irish term for a dubious explanation: Arriving home drunk and covered with lipstick, the man mulroneyed his wife that he’d been working late at the office, syn. larrycraig, bonds, lohan.
f obama n. the sense that a remarkable career triumph and the fulfillment of one’s dreams are within one’s grasp, coupled with a nagging feeling that Oprah is never going to let you hear the end of how it was her support that turned the tide and then after the inauguration she’ll start calling to advise you on the budget and the Middle East and at first you’ll take her calls but later start avoiding her until one night you crawl into bed and there, right there under the covers, you are horrified to find a sinister warning in the form of the bloodied head of Dr. Phil.
putin n. unwise shirtlessness.
radier v. to betray a friend who, despite his own fall, still has sufficient resources and influence to ensure you spend your brief prison sentence in the company of a series of nice, affectionate men, not that he would do that, no siree.
thompson n. one who seems to believe he is entitled to an important job on account of great height and a career as a character actor, adj. lazy, uninterested: Charlie Sheen adopted a thompson attitude to anything less than a foursome.
vick n. a year that makes the Queen’s annus horribilis seem like a jubilee of satisfying sex and multiple lottery winnings : For Conrad Black, 2007 was quite the vick.
ON THE WEB: For Scott Feschuk’s take on the news of the day, visit his blog www.macleans.ca/feschuk
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