JOSEPH McDOWELL, a Kansas farmer, has received the highest award of the Soviet Government, the Order of Lenin, for special services to Russia. The order carries with it a salary increase of $15 a month, a twenty-five per cent cut in house rent, two railroad passes a year to any point in Russia, and three street car tickets entitling him to enter streets cars by the front end.”—Dispatch from Moscow.
Now there’s an idea! It is hoped somebody will take advantage of it at once. If ever ingenuity needed inspiration and incentive in this country it needs it today. The following announcements might well be looked forward to:
To Jasper Phertle: In recognition of distinguished service, through constant refusal to talk pessimistically about business and steadfast application to his job of selling more goods, the government confers upon Mr. Phertle the Badge of Merit, Series 356. The order carries with it a salary raise of $3.50 a week, the repapering of the Phertle apartment free, a season pass to any cinema theatre he may select, a card entitling him to ride on the roof of any interurban bus in the country, and an autographed photo of Marlene Dietrich.
To Dudley Dollop: Mr. Dollop passed through 1930 and 1931 without once predicting that worse times were ahead or that the real facts were being concealed from the people. We take pleasure in admitting him to membership in the Sons of the Silver Lining. This carries with it the right to play pool in any Elks club, $11 in two-cent stamps, a chance on a new automobile, and an upper berth once a year on any railroad in the land. It also entitles him to get out of taxicabs while in motion and bid five notrumps regardless of his hand.
Gregory Mattituck: It is conceded that by going ahead minding his own business and not stopping on street comers to argue about trade conditions in other lines, Mr. Mattituck established himself a unique citizen. The entire cabinet voted him the Order of Optimism and threw in a threepiece suit, a pair of rubber boots, a permit to fish for trout anywhere in the country in or out of season, a watch said to have been carried by Bill the Barber, a complete set of Edgar Guest’s poems and a trick mirror.
To Luther McGlook: To date no one has ever heard Mr. McGlook blame the slump on anybody or express the opinion it would last for years. His country is glad to decorate him with the Peacock Feather, carrying with it eleven banjo lessons gratis, a box of ten-cent cigars, two smoked hams a year from any grocery store, two tickets to the theatre, and the right to ride backwards on any recognized roller coaster. The government will also send him a Thanksgiving turkey, if reminded two weeks ahead.— Regina Leader-Post.
Born Linguist —“Did you ever attend a school for stuttering?”
“N-n-no, I j-j-just picked it up.”—Bracebridge Gazette.
That Chattering Sound—He was doing about fifty and the car began to sway.
“Sorry, old man,” he said to the very nervous passenger, "just when we begin to get going I’ve got to stop. The engine is pinking something dreadfully.”
“Is it?” muttered the man unaccustomed to cars.
“Yes; why, can’t you hear that throbbing, knocking, chattering sound?”
“That’s my teeth chattering,” murmured the unhappy passenger.—Fort William Times-Jour nal.
A Narrow Escape—It was the firm’s annual dance. The junior bookkeeper had chosen a very attractive partner.
“By the way,” he volunteered as they danced, “I’m glad our manager isn’t here tonight. He’s about the biggest ass of a man one can meet, and not fit for intelligent company.”
“Young man,” she snapped angrily, “do you know who I am?”
“Not the faintest idea,” he said, easily.
“Well, I’m the manager’s wife!” she informed him.
“Gee whiz!” he exclaimed. “Now, do you know who I am?”
“No,” said his partner.
“Thank goodness for that!” he replied, as he backed hurriedly away.—Lindsay Post.
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