Check—A student had been spending freely and was short of cash. It was near the holidays, and he hated to write home for money. As a last resort he pawned his dress suit.
When the time came to leave for home, the suit was still unredeemed. He hurriedly scraped together sufficient cash to get it back, packed it in his bag and was off.
At home his mother was helping him unpack.
“Henry,” she asked, “what is this ticket on your coat for?”
“Why, mother,” he replied, “I went to a dance the other evening and that’s the cloakroom ticket.”
She continued putting away his clothes. Finally she lifted the trousers. They, too, were ticketed.
“Henry,” she exclaimed, “what kind of a dance was that?”—Calgary Herald.
Not So Close Harmony—A little party of street musicians were “entertaining” a theatre queue. At the end of one selection, while the hat was going round, the cometist was heard to say to the portable-pianist: “Wot’s next, Alf?” “Men of ’Arlech,” replied Alf tersely. “Blimey,” murmured he of the comet, “that’s funny. I jest played that.”—Sherbrooke Record.
Stymie—Rich Uncle (a strict Sabbatarian): “I am extremely sorry to learn that Eustace is in the habit of visiting a golf club on the Sabbath!”
Loyal Wife (brightly): “Oh, but he does not play. He only pops over there for a few drinks and a game of bridge.—T ruro News.
One Spur—A Scotsman, upon entering a sadler’s asked for a single spur.
“What use is one spur?” asked the man.
“Well,” replied Sandy, “if I can get one side of the horse to go the other one will hae to come wi’ it.”—Port Arthur NewsChronicle.
Rule of Thumb—A two-foot rule was given to a laborer to measure an iron plate. The laborer after much time returned.
"Now,” asked the plater, “what is the size?”
“Well,” replied the man, “it is the length of your rule, and two thumbs over, with this piece of brick and the breadth of my hand and arm from here to there, bar a linger!” — Hardware and Metal.
Let Her Rip—The examiner was questioning a candidate for the position of engine driver.
"You are driving an engine down a steep incline at an excessive speed,” he said. “What do you do?”
“Make a brake application,” said the candidate.
“Doesn’t act,” shot back the examiner.
“Put brake handle into emergency position,” replied the other.
“Does not reduce speed sufficiently,” went on the examiner quickly.
“Reverse the engine and turn on steam,” said the candidate readily.
“The wheels refuse to grip the metals?” came the next question.
“Pour sand on metals,” came the reply.
“Sand is damp and won’t pass through the pipes?” The examiner put the question with an air of triumph. “Now, what do you do?”
“Let her rip; we’re on the level now.”— Halifax Herald.
Diplomacy -Little Boy: “Please, sir, my arrow has gone over into your garden.”
Neighbor: “Well, tell me where it went and I’ll get it for you.”
Little Boy: “Please, sir, it’s sticking in your cat.”—Quebec Chronicle.
Hard Lines—Tenant (paying bill) : “Well, I’m square now.”
Landlord: “Yes, and I hoi>e you’ll soon be round again.”—Family Herald.
Mother (to beloved dough ter) : “Now, darling, show everybody how nicely you can recite. A little ship was an the——
The Darling: “Thea.“
“It was a pretty-”
“T hi g ht.”
“It sailed along HO pleasantly-”
“And all was calm and---”
“R wig ht."
“Splendid! Now recite another one, darling!” —Tit-Bits.
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