HUMOR

Wit and Wisdom

In Fewer Words

December 15 1937
HUMOR

Wit and Wisdom

In Fewer Words

December 15 1937

Wit and Wisdom

HUMOR

In Fewer Words

Hard to See A Stratford man reports that ducks along the Avon River waddle up close to motor cars and beg for food. Perhaps they are just trying to read the new Ontario car numbers.— Ottawa Journal.

Unprecedented In Indiana, state officials are endeavoring to explain why there is a balance in the treasury. The excuses they offer are ingenious, but the thing is humiliating.—The Digest.

Use a Screen—A wide-open door for immigration, like every other sort of wideopen door, lets in more than is wanted. A good screen for selecting the best is as necessary as a II y screen to the house in summer time.—Guelph Mercury.

Irish Examination—De Valera’s campaign to abolish English in Ireland by putting a premium of up to ten per cent on examination marks for Irish students who write their examinations in the national language, Erse, has had a typically Irish result. Themas S. Ryan, of Sligo, for instance, scored 432 marks out of a possible 400 for Greek—Toronto Evening Telegram.

Financial Note—Business with the railroads must be good. Here and there we observe that a coat of paint has been put on a rural station.—Hamilton Spectator.

Modern Motor Trend—In the early days of the motor-car industry, we read, a man bought some scrap metal and made a car out of it. The modern procedure is just the reverse.—London Opinion.

Mystery Explained —Asked why she pulled the communication cord in a train, a foreign lady said a horrible masked man had peered at her through the door of her compartment. We understand that it turned out to be merely a typically reserved Englishman wearing his travelling face.— London Opinion.

Eggsacfly—There is serenity in old age, suggests a psychologist, just as long as it keeps within its shell. This is particularly true of the egg.—Punch.

Home, Sweet Home—Home is a great convenience. If people went anywhere else to relieve their grouches, they would get kicked out.—Toronto Star.

Freedom in Jeopardy—Make no mis-

I take—the great struggle of the coming generation of civilized people will be for freedom—freedom of speech, freedom of business—freedom all along the line.— Efficiency Magazine.

Young Man’s Day—A youth not quite old enough to vote has been elected to the Amherst, N.S., Town Council. Further evidence that this is the young man’s day in life’s activities.—Toronto Globe and Mail.

New Dental Treatment—A Viennese dentist, Dr. II. Schneider, has just discovered a new and rather unusual kind of dental treatment. Dr. Schneider simply extracts the afflicted tooth and replaces it with an artificial one with gold or ivory roots. This root, when placed in the gum, soon becomes consolidated.— Reader’s Digest.

They’ve Got Tails—A man recently told a magistrate that he makes quite a good living by retailing birds. We didn’t know they needed it. —Montreal Star.

Better See It Soon—England is changing under the eyes of this generation more quickly and thoroughly than ever before. —The Times (London).

There’s a Limit

In this expansive mood I’ll try Not to regard with baleful eye The man who, with my favorite fly, Catches a bigger trout than I.

I’ll laugh with those who think it fun To parry retorts with a pun; Applaud the boys who, gun for gun, Outbag my quota ten to one.

No frown awaits the clumsy lout Who says: “Migawsh, you’re getting stout!”

No satire greets the office goat Who flicks long blonde hairs from my coat.

But gimme the words I sadly lack! Gimme a seering verbal crack To squelch the grinning, boisterous Jack

Who slaps my back and calls me “Mac!” —Fred Rawlinson.

Liquid Illumination—Down in lower Ontario they are talking of highway illumination. If not so many of the drivers were illuminated, the highways might be all right without it.—Sault Ste. Marie Star.

Couldn’t Do Without ’Em—Newspapers are accustomed to giving service. That is why radio addresses are published on the day following so the folks will know to what they have been listening.—Welland-Port Colborne Tribune.

Message from London —Old top hats make quaint wastepaper baskets, according to a woman’s paper. Most owners of old top hats, however, use them as quaint top hats. Punch.

Rather Dim —Some men go to a lot of trouble trying to hide their light under a bushel when a tin cup would suffice for the job.Niagara Falls Review.

What a Joke!—Correct this sentence: “I don’t listen to comedians,” said the radio fan, “because it is dangerous for me to laugh so much.”—Halifax Chronicle.

Maybe Adam Laughed at These

A Misplaced Advertisement—A Scot and a minister were in a train together travelling through a lovely part of Scotland. Beautiful scenery—mountains, dales, nvers, and all the glories of nature. When passing a grand mountain they saw a huge advertisement for So-and-So’s whisky.

The Scot gave a snort of disgust. The minister leaned forward and said: “I’m

glad to see, sir. that you agree with me, that they should not be allowed to desecrate the beauties of nature by advertisement.”

“It’s no’ that, sir,” said the Scot bitterly, “it’s rotten whusky.”—Oshawa Titties.

Diamond Cut Diamond Isaacs, an outfitter, had bought half a dozen cheap shirts for which he could find no sale, so he consulted Levinsky, a fellow tradesman, as to how he should dispose of them.

“Wh$\” smd Levinsky, “send them to MacCohen, and enclose an invoice for five shirts. MacCohen will think you’ve made a mistake and take the six shirts and pay you for five. and. after all, that’s better than not selling them at all.”

Isaacs said he would try this. A week later the two met again, and Levinsky asked Isaacs if the ruse had worked.

“Levinsky.” said Isaacs, “you tried to ruin me. I sent the six shirts to MacCohen with an invoice for five, and he sent back five shirts with a note to say he didn’t want them.”—Sarnia Observer.

Usually True Mr. and Mrs. Barnes had been discussing an arrangement which implies the exercise of the “give and take” theory.

“You know,” declared Mr. Barnes, “that it always takes two to make a bargain.”

“Yes,” returned Mrs. Barnes, “but only one of them gets it.”—Lindsay Post.

Skinny—The local swimming club was having its weekly meeting at the baths and two members were standing on one side looking at the water.

“Hullo!” said one. “Somebody’s dropped his braces in the water.”

“They’re not braces,” said the other. “That’s Slim swimming under water.”— Sarnia Observer.

Tick, Tock!—Clocks in Irish provincial hotels are not noted for their timekeeping qualities. They are kept more for ornament than use.

A traveller went into the coffee room of an Irish hotel. The maid-of-all-work was dusting the mantelpiece. Suddenly the clock began striking.

The maid, with a look of surprise, turned and said. “There must be something wrong with the clock; it’s going.”—Vancouver NewsHerald.

Backward A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”

He explained, “I study astronomy.”

“Dear me,” said the girl, “I finished astronomy last year.” Prince Rupert News.

Simple Directions—“Where is the manager’s office?”

“Follow the passage until you come to the sign reading ‘No admittance’. Go upstairs till you come to the sign ‘Keep out’. Follow the corridor till you see the sign ‘Silence,’ then yell for him.”—Regina Leader-Post.

The Mean Man—“Does your husband talk in his sleep?”

“No. and it’s terribly exasperating. He just grins.”—Kitchener Record.

The Time to Marry “Do you think I’m too young to marry, Aunt?”

“If I had my time over again, dear.” replied the old maid, “I’d get married before I had sense enough not to.”—World Review.