HUMOR

Wit and Wisdom

October 15 1938
HUMOR

Wit and Wisdom

October 15 1938

Wit and Wisdom

In Fewer Words

Snappy The way some men answer the telephone leads one to suspect that they get nine calls out of ten asking for more money.—Guelph Mercury.

Hah, Hah!—The world will be a better place in which to live when more people learn to laugh and fewer take themselves so darned seriously.Galt Reporter.

The Dangerous Age The time to w’atch a man is when he commences to dye his hair and wear spats. Then is the time when soft spots form in his head which will break out in his conduct.—Niagara Falls Review.

Dangerous Days Some men still die with their hoots on. but usually one boot is on the accelerator,New Westminster British Columbian.

Ironical Fact One of the ironical facts is that almost everybody who has any income is able to save money in hard limes.Niagara Falls Review.

I.ong Enough Washington legislation enables Canadian tourists to remain six months in the United States without bonding their cars. After staying that long the Canadian traveller of moderate means will be ready to come home again.Toronto Globe and Mail.

Islands In Demand Colonel Lindbergh. desirous of finding peace, has become the owner of the little Breton island of Illiec, where he intends to reside with his family.

It is stated that Czechoslovakia, which also aspires to tranquillity, is now thinking of buying a little island to which it will retire.— World Review.

Fashion For Fishermen Fishermen who are planning a trip in the near future will be glad to know that there is no special change in the style of tackle this year, excepting that the bottle has more body and not quite so much neck.— Western Retailer.

Priscilla’s Curl

Twas small, ’tis true, but very fair—

A dainty, gleaming silken snare,

Which some blest, wandering breath of air

Brushed o’er my cheek, and then and there,

With cheeks aglow and thoughts awhirl,

I wondered if I’d really dare— Priscilla's curl.

I wondered, too, if she would care,

And, wondering, leaned above her chair,

Pressed to my lips the wisp of hair.

She rose and left me standing there,

With cheeks aglow and thoughts awhirl,

For in my hand remained— Priscilla’s curl.

—Robert E. Dean.

In Reverse It is given to few' people, says a writer, to wake up and find themselves famous. Most people find themselves famous and then wake up.—Fredericton Gleaner.

Sky Liners—Igor Sikorsky predicts that it will not be long before there will be constructed 1,000-ton flying clippers capable of carrying thousands of passengers.

-Scientific American.

Suitable Reading Matter—It seems that a magazine for bald people is published in America. We understand that one of the features is a hair-raising serial. - The Humorist.

Reward—Work and save, young man, and some day you’ll have enough to divide with those who don’t.—Niagara Falls Review.

Easy Money—There is talk in the studios of paying a film queen a hundred thousand or so to call a contract off. It’s nice work if you can lose it.—Montreal Herald.

Upside-Down Education—As you

pass a group of schoolgirls in the streets nowadays, you frequently find them trying to stand upside down against a wall—this being one of the accomplishments learned in school hours. The whole system of elementary education needs overhauling. —Daily Telegraph (London).

It’s An Idea—The police of Zagreb, Jugoslavia, require violators of traffic ordinances to pull over to the side of the road and deflate all tires. The number of accidents on the streets of this city has fallen considerably.— United States Municipal News.

Good-By And Good Luck—Colombia is the tenth Latin American country to leave the League of Nations.—Toronto Globe and Mail.

New Kind of Government—In North China. Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek is believed to be operating the world’s first “Government by radio.”—News Dispatch.

Golden Pants—The day will come when color-starved American men will kick over the traces, doff their sober tw'eeds and serges, and cut themselves suits from doth of gold.—The New Yorker.

Swing It—Soon, remarks an orchestra leader gloomily, “there’ll be nothing left to swing.” Don’t take too much for granted, brother. There’s ahvays a club. —Sudbury Star.

Bad And Good—Fines paid by bad drivers in Sweden are to be placed in a fund and divided among those who have driven 30.000 miles without getting a traffic tag.—Montreal Star.

The DifferenceA statesman tells people what they should know, and takes the consequences; a politician tells them what they wish to hear, and takes the gravy.—Toronto Star.

Maybe Adam Laughed at These

Practical Finance—Mrs. Nuwed said to her husband: "Darling, will you lend me twenty dollars, and only give me ten of them? Then you’ll owe me ten and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be straight.’’Quebec Chronicle-Telegraph.

Not So Thrifty—“Maybe this Scotch thrift thing is overdrawn.”

“What do you mean?”

“So far I’ve never heard of a two-kilt suit.”—Sarnia Observer.

Geography Up To Date—“Where.” asked a first-grade teacher, “is Montreal?” Up went a tiny hand and when she told him he could answer, he said:

“Between Detroit and Philadelphia.” “Where did you get that?” asked the teacher.

“On our new radio,” replied the little fellow.—Welland-Port Colborne Tribune.

Kicking is Best—In a certain Western town a beautiful chorus girl sued a rich banker for breach of promise and was awarded $10,000. Shortly after leaving the court she was hit by a street car and had eight ribs broken. The same judge awarded her $8.

Moral: Never play with a woman’s

heart—kick her in the ribs.—Canadian Telephone Journal.

No Way to Tell—A Wisconsin man was arrested for spearing fish through the ice. One of the witnesses was in sympathy with the prisoner, being a fisherman himself.

“Mr. Smith,” said the attorney, “did you see the holes in the ice?”

“I did,” answered the witness.

“Did they appear to be fresh holes?” “Well, now, 1 don’t know. I couldn’t tell if they were this winter’s holes or last winter’s.”—Port Hope Guide.

Giving Her a Chance—“These trousers may be useful to you.” said the kind old lady. “All they need is a 'ittle mending.”

“That’s all right, lady,” said the tramp. “I’ll call back in 'arf an hour.” Sarnia Observer.

Hot Story—“Do these hot springs ever freeze over?” asked the tourist.

"Oh—yes,” replied the guide. “Once last winter a woman fell through the ice and burned her foot.”— Saint John Citizen.

How to Get Dimes—“I’m sorry I haven’t a dime.” said the lady as she handed the conductor a ten-dollar bill.

“Don’t worry, madam.” he replied politely. “You’re going to have ninetynine of them in a couple of minutes.”— Toronto Globe and Mail.

Before Going to Bed—A lady who felt indisposed after attending a society function ordered her chauffeur to drive to her doctor’s place. The doctor saw her at once, diagnosed her case rapidly and gave prompt advice. “You have caught a chill,” he said. “Drive straight home, get dressed, and go to bed.”—Vancouver Sun.

Monotonous—“Your boy Josh says he’s going to town to seek employment.”

"Yep,” answered Farmer Comtossel, “I don’t blame him. Everybody feels occasionally like gettin’ away an’ lookin’ fur work ’stid o’ stayin’ where he knows it’ll be waitin’ for him regular.”—Moncton Transcript.

One Way to Escape “I don’t see any patients listening to the radio,” said the hospital visitor.

“No,” said the nurse. “Most of them came here to escape from it.” Lindsay Post.