HUMOR

Wit and Wisdom

November 15 1938
HUMOR

Wit and Wisdom

November 15 1938

Wit and Wisdom

HUMOR

In Fewer Words

How' It Started—

A Sultan at odds with his harem Thought of a way he could scare ’em; He caught a live mouse Which he freed in the house Thus starting the first harum-scarum. Port Arthur News-Chronicle.

Opportunity KnocksTough jobs are opportunities to demonstrate that we are the ones fully capable of doing tough jobs and doing them right.Portage la Prairie Graphic.

Needle Money—Bruce peninsula residents are making money gathering and selling spruce and pine cones. A little pin moneyor. one might almost say, needle money. Stratford BeaconHerald.

Wasted Efforts The rain comes just after you have had your car washed, and your daughter gets married just when you get her educated to make her own way. - Windsor Star.

Misapplied Knowledge What’s the good of being so darned painstaking. Even if you can pronounce all those Chinese names correctly, nobody understands you any better. Montreal Herald.

Those Hidden Pins—A store advertisement says that when you buy a shirt you give employment to fifty persons. And at least forty-seven of ’em, we have a hunch, do nothing but hide pins in the tail.— Regina Leader-Post.

Muddy Gentlemen—“The greatest in the land all originally sprang from primeval mud,” says a scientist. But even in those days there was doubtless some form of Ooze Who.— Moncton Transcript.

Perennial Sucker—-Every town has a man who won’t contribute a nickel to a civic enterprise, but rushes forward to give a dollar to a street fakir selling a preparation to take grease spots out of a vest. —Halifax Mail.

Ups And Downs—An American is a man who one day worries about going to the poor house, and the next day buys an automobile.—Galt Reporter.

Compensation The pleasant part of a depression is that you can have just as much fun on half the money!—Prince Albert Herald.

Bad Example—In spite of every effort to teach them good manners, children have a habit of acting like their parents.— Brandon Sun.

Behind the Smoke-Some young women appear to smoke cigarettes for the purpose of showing off their colored nails and finger jewellery by extending the hand conspicuously to flick off the ashes. —Niagara Falls Review.

Those Pretty Washerwomen—We’ve never been able to understand why women as pretty as those in the washing machine ads can’t marry men who are able to hire the washing done.— Kitchener Record.

Less Competition—An old-timer is a fellow who can remember when his wife did the talking around the house and was better-tempered about it because she didn’t have to compete against the radio. —Kitchener Record.

Efficiency—Government efficiency, of course, is something that concentrates on making the income tax easier to figure instead of wasting time on making it easier to pay.—Montreal Herald.

Dreams Come True —Early ambitions do count. Many a boy who in 1900 longed to be a highwayman now owns a roadside garage.—Moitreal Star.

Another Scotch Story—This week’s prize for subtle trickery goes to the Scotsman who took his little boy to a Fascist parade and persuaded him it was a circus. - -Quebec Chronicle-Telegraph.

They Need a Fuehrer—If this selfdetermination business starts dividing territory again, it’s going to be a great day for the Indians.—Toronto Star.

The Turning Wheel—The real seven ages of man’s conscious existence may be divided into periods when he wishes to drive a locomotive, when he wants to be a detective, an Adonis, a soldier, a millionaire, a prime minister, and a boy.—Montreal Star.

Convenient Town—A hick town is a place where you can borrow something without the owner’s knowledge without being a thief.—Galt Reporter.

Try to Get It Off—The best way to make a postage stamp stick is to put the wrong address on the envelope.—Galt Reporter.

A Catty Remark—An exchange submits a typographical error; “After the luncheon the ladies catted with one another.”—Toronto Globe and Mail.

A Peep Remark—An official states that there is a certain amount of illicit drug traffic on the Canadian lakes. Still waters run cope.—The Humorist.

’¡ he Real Peacemakers—Every time a woman buys a new hat and a man falls in love with her in that hat. she is striking a blow for peace, security, contentment. — 'talesmen and Nation. Maybe Adam Laughed at These

The Professor Again—Professor: “I forgot my umbrella this morning.”

His Wife: ‘‘How did you remember you forgot it?”

Professor: “Well, I missed it when I

raised my hand to close it after it had stopped raining.”—Niagara Falls Review.

Self-Respect—As McPherson and his girl were entering the cinema the girl said: “Here’s my one-and-threepence, John.”

“Ah, I’m glad ye’ve given it me before we go in, Jenny. Ye know, if there’s one thing I can’t abide it’s to see a lassie pay for hersel’.”—Portage la Prairie Graphic.

Irishman’s Dilemma—“You’re not very bright today, Pat. What’s the matter?”

“Sure, and it’s perplexed I am. My sister who lives in Glasgow has told me in her letter she has just had an addition to lier family.”

“Why, that’s good news, isn’t it? A boy or a girl?”

“Bedad, and that’s what’s bothering me. She doesn’t say, and how am I to know whether I’m an uncle or an aunt?” —Vancouver News-Her aid.

The Labor Saver A group of negroes were lying on the floor in front of the fireplace when one of them spoke up:

“Is it a-rainin’ out?”

"Ah don’t know,” replied another.

“Well, git up an’ look,” insisted the first voice.

“Ah, rats,” said the persecuted one lazily, “call de dawg in an’ see if he’s wet.” —Toronto Globe and Mail.

Too Slow—Fortyplus: “When I

started in life, young man, I worked twelve hours a day.”

Youthful : “Yes. but in these rapid times anyone who took twelve hours to do a day’s work would get the gate.” Farmer's Magazine.

Point of View-—Old Lady to her chauffeur's little son: "Do you know who I

am?”

Small Boy: “Yes, you're the old lady that runs about in my daddy’s car.” —St. John’s Telegram.

IIow He Got It—A man walked into a bank and asked for a loan of ten dollars. The cautious teller asked him what collateral he had, and the man produced $10.000 bonds.

Teller: “What’s the idea of this, asking for a $10 loan with all this money?”

Man: “Well, you see, if I rented a safe deposit box in which to carry those bonds it would cost me $3 a year. As collateral you keep them in a safe place for me, and the cost is only sixty cents.”—Prince Rupert News.

Misunderstood—Boss: “Now, my

boy, you can’t work and whistle at the same time.”

Office Boy: “I ain’t working. I’m only whistling.”—Edmonton Bulletin.

Economy—There is a difference in wives. The one here reminds us of the man who breathed through his nose to save the wear and tear on his teeth:

Harris: “My wife is very extravagant.”

Harper: “Mine is the very opposite.

The other day I saw her boiling my shirt collars among the potatoes to get them starched.”—Niagara Falls Review.

Far Behind —“European military leaders claim they have the people behind them.”

“In the event of war, of course, the positions would immediately be reversed.” —Port Arthur News-Chronicle.

Outdoing Shakespeare—Dramatist: “So you’ve read my new play? Well, what do you think of it?”

Manager: “My dear sir, there are two scenes in it that Shakespeare himself couldn’t have written.”

Dramatist: “Really? And which scenes are those?”

Manager: “The one in the radio shop and the one in the movie studio.” Powassan (Ont.) News.