Gone Either Way A woman looks upon a secret in two ways: Either it is not worth keeping, or it is too good to keep. —Galt Reporter.
In the Red A cosmetic expert has produced a black lipstick that turns red when you make a mark with it. A lot of businessmen suspect that’s what they’ve been doing their bookkeeping with. —Fredericton Gleaner.
DreamsMany a bachelor dreams of an efficient wife; fireside; slippers; quiet evenings in a well-run home. So docs many a married man.—Saint John Citizen.
Ignorance is Bliss Professor Leta S. Hollingworth is obviously right in saying that the child with too high an I.Q. is not happy. If he knows too much, he sits around and broods about the national debt.—The New Yorker.
Getting the BreaksAn Eastern doctor has set nearly 2,500 broken arms and legs. He has become rich by just taking advantage of the breaks.—Fredericton Mail.
"You be my valentine or I'll bust you on the nose!”
Say It With Hands How is it that so many people can’t say anything without waving their hands to add emphasis to what they say, and then when they drive a car they hardly ever use their hands to give signals? Sarnia Observer.
Time to Get Out Franz von Papen, former chancellor of Germany, has announced his retirement from public life. Two of his secretaries were killed in recent Nazi purges. Franz can take a hint.—
Frock to Rag—The frock your wife just couldn’t manage without in the spring is the piece of rag she’s just given you to clean the car with. Montreal Star.
No 15-Minute Readers—The newspaper may have its faults, but it doesn’t interrupt itself every fifteen minutes to tell you which one you are reading. —Moose Jaw TimesHerald.
Bright Girls—In the high school they say there are girls who are poor at addition and subtraction, but they are experts at attraction.—Prince Rupert News.
Long-Distance Shots—There is still such a thing as faith in the world. Two universities have just held an archery contest by mail. Toronto Telegram.
There’s Always Something Washington dispatches praise the Government's new streamlined turkey. Only difficulty, we understand, is that it’s harder for the farmer to catch.—Victoria Colonist.
Peculiar Men—Men are peculiar, just as women have long suspected. For instance a fellow who hadn’t kissed his wife in five years, shot a fellow who did. —Windsor Star.
Useful States—What the world needs is fewer uselessly totalitarian states and more totally utilitarian ones.—Montreal Herald.
Democracy—Choice of the people: One who got 60 per cent of the vote cast by 40 per cent of the 60 ix*r cent of voters who registered.—Buffalo News.
What About Smoke Rings?Questions and Answers column. S. C. A.: We were unable to locate any firms that use cigar ash.—Toronto Star.
Growth of a Language—We print today for the first time the word “decrowded.” There are families which have been “decrowded” in Scotland. That is why we print the word.—London Times.
With Such a Heavy Name?—Hon. Unity Valkyrie Freeman-Mitford Moseley was fined in England recently for speeding.
Maybe Adam Laughed at These
Just An Idea—Two people were walking along a road together. One was a young woman, the other a handsome farm lad. The farm lad was carrying a large pail on his back, holding a chicken in one hand, a cane in the other, and leading a goat. They came to a dark lane.
Said the girl: “I’m afraid to walk here with you. You might try to kiss me.”
Said the farm lad: “How could I, with all these things I’m carrying?”
“Well, you might stick the cane in the ground, tie the goat to it, and put the chicken under the pail.”—Fredericton Mail.
Answer, Please—To the man who
can’t understand why his wife wants to go out at night: How’d you like to spend the evening where you spent the day?—Chatham News.
Advantages—The house agent decided to be quite frank with his latest clients.
“Of course.” he began, “this house has one or two drawbacks which I feel I must mention. It is bounded on the north by the gasworks, on the south by an indiarubber works, on the east by a vinegar factory, and on the west is a glue-boiling establishment.”
“Good heavens!” gasped the husband. “Fancy showing us such a place. What a neighborhood !”
“Quite so.” replied the agent. “But there are advantages. The rent is cheap and you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”—Vancouver NewsHerald.
No Danger—The nervous passenger approached the captain timidly. “What would happen.” she asked, "if we struck a large iceberg?”
“The iceberg would pass along as if nothing happened,” replied the captain. And the old lady was very much relieved. —Charlottetown Patriot.
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