HUMOR

Wit and Wisdom

In Fewer Words

April 15 1939
HUMOR

Wit and Wisdom

In Fewer Words

April 15 1939

Wit and Wisdom

HUMOR

In Fewer Words

Easy Ambition—The ambition of the average person today is to ride in the cart rather than to help pull it.—Perth (N.B.) Victorian.

Pep Pressure—Moderns have more get-up-and-get about them, but there never was so much high-blood pressure until the pep talk was introduced.—Wetaskiwin Free Press.

Living HighNobody can live on the moon, says a writer of popular science notes, who doesn’t seem to realize what the song-writing lads have been doing for the last fifty years.—Fredericton Mail.

Real Philosophy—What requires more philosophy than taking things as they come? Parting with things as they go. —Vancouver NewsHerald.

Ideal Man—A new mechanical man has been developed who can scream, hiss and shout louder than any possessor of merely human lungs.

This chap should be an ideal demonstrator at political meetings. - Quebec Chronicle-T elegraph.

Handicapped—If everyone were busy, the ones who are now busy could get a great deal more work done.— The Northern Mail.

Angler’s Anecdote—A Detroit hotelkeeper famous as an angler has just married his fourth wife. But you should have seen the one that got away.—Punch.

A New Peril—New York toy manufacturers have produced a doll which sells for $200. Soon, at this rate, it will be necessary to guard playthings against kidnappers. —Montreal Herald.

Stop and Think—A quiet rambling Thought Hour is often more productive of profitable suggestions than ten High Speed Hours.— Your Life.

Good Advice is ScarceParadoxical as it may sound, when a man is old enough to give advice he is old enough to know better.— Western Farm Leader.

Speculation—One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one man buys another sells, and both think they are astute.—Rosetown Eagle.

Catch-All—One thing about a woman’s purse: she can always find anything she doesn’t want in it.—Parade.

Good Example—Word of Cardinal Pacelli’s election as Pope was warmly received in every country except Germany. The Nazis had hoped for some great spiritual leader like Goebbels.—The New Yorker.

Sweep ’Er Upf—For Sale—One Curling Broom, scarcely been used, branded FK.— Apply Box 600, Claydon.—Climax (Sask.) Climax.

Old Stuff—A producer announces that he has just started work on a film which will be the smash hit of the decade. Too late ! They show it at the local cinema every other week.—Montreal Star.

Full House—It is reported that a group of political science students want to borrow the Senate chamber for their annual conference. They probably w'ant to see what the place looks like when the seats are occupied.—Hamilton Spectator.

Old-Time Collectors—An American judge is described by a journalist as “the keenest collector of Ancient Roman coins who ever lived.” That is, apart from the Ancient Romans themselves. — London Opinion.

More Pessimism—When the meek inherit the earth, the man with the superiority complex will probably run the entire main show.—Toronto Telegram.

Smoke and Work—A Russian today must work almost ten times as long as a Canadian to earn enough money to buy a pack of cigarettes.—Niagara Falls Review.

Maybe Adam Laughed at These

Dad’s Mistake—Pa: “It’s a terrible

thing. I sold my car and mortgaged my house and land—all to send my son to the university. And all he does there is smoke, drink and take girls out to parties.”

Pal: “Oh, so you’re regretting it?”

Pa: “Certainly. I should have gone

myself.”—Calgary Albertan.

Good Manager—“Do you ever permit your husband to have his own way?”

“Oh, yes, occasionally. He is sure to make a fool of himself, and that makes him easier to manage next time.”— Niagara Falls Review.

Blue Blood-“Imagine! That terrible Mrs. Whatzit seems to think more of her lap dog than of her own son !”

“Well, my dear, after all the dog has a pedigree.”—Moncton Transcript.

Some Family — “How’s the wife. George?”

“She’s just had quinsy.”

“Gosh! How many is that you’ve got now?”—Belleville Intelligencer.

Works Both Ways—The little boy had come home from school with considerable food for thought. As soon as he could he appealed to his father.

“Daddy,” he began, “is it true that a man is known by the company he keeps?”

“Yes, my boy,” was the prompt reply.

But the little chap was not content. He stated his difficulty.

“But, father, if a good man keeps company with a bad man, is the good man bad because he keeps company with a bad man, or the bad man good because he keeps company with a good man?” —Montreal Star.

But She Recovered—Joan: “Oh, what a time we had ! I just don’t know how I ever came through ! First I got angina pectoris, and then double pneumonia, followed by arteriosclerosis and phthisis, after which they gave me hypodermics. Then I barely recovered from these, when I got tuberculosis, with appendicitis, followed by tonsillotomy. Yes, indeed, it was the hardest spelling contest I’ve ever had.”—Dresden (Ont.) News.

Overworked—Helen: “Does that Mrs. Gabber talk much?”

Janet: “Does she? You ought to have seen how sunburned her tongue was when she came back from Florida last week.” -—Petrolia Advertiser.

Why Teachers Retire—Geography Teacher: “What do we call it when the air goes round and round?”

Willie: “An automobile tire.”—Edmonton Bulletin.

Just Shopping—The hired girl had beep sent down to the brook to fetch a pail of water, but stood gazing at the flowing stream apparently lost in thought.

“What’s she waiting for?” asked her mistress, who was watching.

“Dunno,” wearily replied her husband. “Perhaps she hasn’t seen a pailful she likes yet.”—Guelph Mercury.

Too Many Nuts—A boy entered a grocery store and announced that he wanted a nickel’s worth of nuts.

Grocer: “Certainly, sonny. Would you like them mixed or is there some certain kind of nut you prefer?”

Boy: “I'll have ’em mixed, I guess, but don’t put in too many cocoanuts, because my mother expects me to lug ’em home.” —Niagara Falls Review.

Good Intention—Harrison was proud of his golf, and had brought his mother-inlaw along to watch him play with a friend.

“I’m particularly anxious to make a terrific drive just now,” Harrison told his friend. “There’s my mother-in-law over there, and I—”

“Don’t be a fool,” said his friend, “you’ll never hit her at 200 yards!” —Vancouver News-Herald.

Relative Value—Farm Hand: “Me

and that off horse have been working for this company for fifteen years.”

Another Farm Hand: “The man must think rather well of both of you.”

Farm Hand: “Well, I don’t know. Last week we were both taken sick, and they got a doctor for the horse and docked me a day’s pay.”—Hartney (Man.) Star.

Unfair Distribution—“Pa, what’s a matrimonial bureau?”

“It’s a bureau, son, with six drawers packed full of women’s fixings and one man’s necktie.”—Brussels (Ont.) Post.

Sad Reminder—Snookin: “As soon as the cold weather comes I have to stop playing billiards.”

Friend: “How’s that?”

Snookin: “Every time the three balls

get together they remind me of my overcoat.”—Welland-Port Colborne Tribune.

Artful Deceiver—“You don’t say you got rid of that nice lodger of yours. Mrs. Brody?”

“Yes, I got suspicious of him. He said he was a Bachelor of Arts, and I found out he had a wife and two children in Vancouver.”—Macleod Gazelle.