Mountain Music — 500 pipers will play at Hamilton Ontario Scottish games. Something awful is always happening at Hamilton.— Brandon Daily Sun.
Nature’s Device—It’s alarming how many men owe their lives to the fact that most women shoot with their eyes shut.—Guelph Mercury.
Looks Doubtful—Can Mars support life? asks an editor. Can we?— Toronto Daily Star.
Etiquette for the Condemned — Applause at the beginning of a speech expresses faith; in the middle, hope; at the end, charity.—North Bay Daily Nugget.
Who Gets Heard?—Opportunity merely knocks —temptation kicks the door in.—Daily Record, Kitchener.
Beware Escaped Pun!—“Tramps make their clothes last an incredible time,” says an institution official. A rolling stone gathers no moths.— Montreal Daily Star.
Spanish Cocktail—Franco’s plan to restore the monarchy, but only after he has passed on, sits none too well with the Spanish Pretender. A 33-year-old Bourbon, he thinks, was never intended as a chaser.—BeaconHerald, Stratford.
Fire Hazard—If the price of bread goes up again we shall have to insure our toast.—Halifax Herald.
Maybe Sin Is Synthetic—The
kiss is not a natural caress, according to a psychologist. Maybe a psychologist is not a natural judge.— Hamilton Spectator.
A Frank Yank—Comment from staffman on The New Orleans TimesPicayune when asked his opinion of newscasts to Russia: “It looks to
me like Stalin objects to our waving a lot of bull in front of a red flag.”— Editor and Publisher.
Molar Maulers—“U. S. Lags in Dental Health”—headline. Maybe the dentists should all pull together. —Guelph Mercury.
Add Famous Last Words—“I’ll drop you off at the house, dear, and then take the girls home.”—Galt Daily Reporter.
Pass!—An English teacher picked out a student in the front row and barked, “Name two pronouns.” Student: “Who, me?” — The
Hopeless Pupil — The shortsighted schoolmaster was rapidly losing his temper.
“You at the back of the class. What was the date of the signing of Magna Carta?”
“I don’t know!”
“Well, then, can you tell me what the Gordon Riots were?”
“I don’t know!”
“I taught that last Friday. What were you doing last night?”
“I was out drinking with some I friends.”
The schoolmaster gasped and his face went almost purple. “You have the audacity to stand there and tell me that! How do you expect to pass your examination?”
“Well, I don’t. You see, I just I came in to fix the electric light.”— Northern Daily News.
Miracle Cure—“Two years ago, my friends,” said an advocate of some quaint form of self-healing, “1 was a physical wreck, horrible to behold. Now, I’m going to tell you what wrought this wonderful change • in me.”
“What change?” queried one of the audience. — Kingston WhigStandard.
It Might Be Arranged—Young Oswald was surely an officious young man as every one in the firm’s ! employ agreed. He always was horn! ing in where he was not wanted and, too, he had a highly exalted opinion of himself.
There were two partners in the firm and one of them happened to die. The young man approached the surviving partner with whom he was not exactly a favorite.
“I’m so sorry, sir, to hear of Mr. John’s demise, and I have come to ask you if you would like to have me take his place.”
“Yes, I would very much,” came the reply, “if you can arrange it with the undertaker.”—Galt Daily Reporter.
Occupational Hazard — Jack— A burglar got into my house at 3 o’clock this morning while I was on my way home from the club.
Bob—Did he get anything?
Jack—He certainly did ! The poor beggar is in the hospital. My wife thought it was me.—Quebec Chronicle-Telegraph.
Close Diagnosis—“Did you go to the doctor the other day, John?” “Yes, I did.”
“And did he find out what you had?”
“What do you mean — very nearly?”
“Well, I had $10 and he charged me $8.”—Cornwall Freeholder.
The story you want is part of the Maclean’s Archives. To access it, log in here or sign up for your free 30-day trial.
Experience anything and everything Maclean's has ever published — over 3,500 issues and 150,000 articles, images and advertisements — since 1905. Browse on your own, or explore our curated collections and timely recommendations.WATCH THIS VIDEO for highlights of everything the Maclean's Archives has to offer.