IN VANCOUVER a woman was fined one hundred dollars and had her license suspended for three years. The reason:
Sitting in a parked car she put it into reverse and plowed sixty feet backward over a lawn and into an apartment building. Damage: one hundred and fifty dollars. She then changed gears, shot right across the road, up the curb on the other side and back onto the road where she sideswiped a parked car. Damage: five hundred dollars. Next she went through a red light causing two cars trying to avoid her to collide. Damage: one hundred and fifty dollars. The next victim saw her coming and escaped with only fifteen dollars damage by getting most of his car out of the way. She made up for it by taking the bounce on a parked car (damage: one hundred and fifty dollars) and then rang up a final thirty dollars smashing head on into another car. This last crash stopped her.
• • •
The church announcements in a small-town paper in Manitoba carried two separate advertisements. Readers were invited by the Presbyterian minister to “Come and Worship in our Newly Decorated Church;” while immediately beneath, the United Church minister observed (in his text for the week; that, “Whitewashing the Pump will not Purify the Water.”
• • •
When a brother and sister of the Willows family married a sister and brother of the Morris family in Perth County, Ont., twenty years ago, they started a custom of giving their children the mother’s maiden name as a Christian name. The result: Morris Willows’ mother is sister to Willow Morris’ father; Willow
Morris’ mother is sister to Morris Willows’ father; Morris Willows’ uncle is Willow Morris’ father and Willow Morris’ uncle is Morris Willows’ father; Morris Willows’ father’s father and Willow Morris’ mother’s father are the same person, and the same is true of Morris Willows’
mother’s father and Willow Morris’
father’s father, but Morris Willows’ father’s father and Willow Morris’ father’s father are different people.
Kids in Perth, Ont., going home from their music lessons have been getting a certain satisfaction from a hand-lettered sign in a boarding house window: Violin Taught. Special Pains Given Beginners.
• • •
A Nelson, B.C., motorist filling up his car at a service station noticed ? smirk on the face of the attendant and asked him what the big joke was.
“I want to congratulate you,” was the reply. “You’re the last person to
be served with gas at the old price.”
The motorist glowed with that old bargain-basement feeling until the attendant added: “It goes down five cents a gallon from now on.”
• • •
Red-faced Oakalla Prison Farm officials in Vancouver admitted they released a man who had served only 233 days of a 729-day sentence. “The handwriting on his card was not too clear,” the warden said, explaining that the man handling releases had misread a date, allowing the prisoner his freedom a year before it was due. The surprised inmate didn’t correct the mistake.
• • •
During a trivial brush with the provincial police not long ago a Chatham, Ont., man who was picked up on the highway was asked to prove his identity. Without the slightest hesitation the man reached into his mouth, pulled out his upper plate and showed the police his name, etched on the roof of the dentures.
• • •
An enterprising insurance man in Abbotsford, B.C., is equal to any situation. After an oil truck parked two blocks away slipped its brake, rolled across two busy streets, and pushed his one-story real estate and insurance office back several feet he put up a new sign:
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