I’ve got news for you, folks—there’s a new trend afoot. Called Don’t-Do-It-Yourself. Let me explain how it works.
Suppose your closet door needs fixing. Well, what you do is look in your phone book in the classified section under “carpenters.” That’s c-A-R-p-E-N-T-E-R-s. You then dial the number, or give it to the operator, and ask the carpenter (accent on the first syllable) to come fix the door.
If your kitchen drain is clogged, instead of buying a lot of tools and reading a lot of instructions you get hold of a plumber. Word sound familiar? In the old days there used to be jokes about plumbers forgetting their tools. Now you remember.
Get hold of a dictionary, and look up the meaning of the words “electrician,” “painter,” “mason,” and “paperhanger.” It will open up new vistas.
The term Don't-Do-lt-Yourself is slightly misleading in that there’s one thing you have to do afterward. That’s write out a cheque. But maybe some bright guy will find a way of eliminating that too.-ROGER SMYTHE.
CANADIAN HISTORY REVISITED
By Peter Whalley
CHAMPLAIN VIOLATES IROQUOIS SOVEREIGNTY: 1609
Explanations I didn’t wait to hear the end of
“Preventing wars is the easiest thing in the world. If all the nations would just . .
“Anybody can beat the horses if he just has the most rudimentary knowledge of mathematical probabilities. Now, on the first race you bet one eighth of . . .”
“I don't care who you are—you can make any dame in the world go for you if you follow these rules. First of all ...”
“You’ve got a cold? You kidding? Why it’s now a scientifically established fact that it’s impossible to catch a cold if ...”
“I’m telling you a twelve-year-old girl can write a hit Broadway play if she just follows the formula. The secret is to . . .”
“This one is bound to result in a touchdown every time—and I don’t care who your team is playing against. The quarterback fakes a handoff to the left half, and then ...”
“There’s just no excuse for paying an income tax no matter how much you make. I've studied the provisions carefully, and what I find is . . .”
“It’s just a matter of plain old hoss sense. Juvenile delinquency would disappear overnight
if . . -PARKE CUMMINGS.
“Yoo-hoo, Ed. Holiday Ranch time!’
She’ll love you for it
The perfect husband buys his wife just what she has always wanted to exchange for something else. — LOIS F. PASLEY.
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