Everything you wanted to ask about Canada but were afraid to know

Allan Fotheringham May 15 1978

Everything you wanted to ask about Canada but were afraid to know

Allan Fotheringham May 15 1978

Everything you wanted to ask about Canada but were afraid to know

Allan Fotheringham

Spring is officially signalled with the arrival of the Fotheringay All-Canadian Current Events Whiz Quiz. Price Waterhouse is monitoring the contest. Because of demand, entries are restricted one to a customer. Marks will be awarded for neatness.

1. The Liberals, having ruled Canada for 46 of the past 57 years by bribing voters with their own money, have invented a foolproof recipe for the coming election: bribing Tories. They purchased Jack Horner for a cabinet seat. Newfie Tory Jack Marshall got the Senate. Gordon Fairweather became human rights commissioner. Halifax MP Bob McCleave went to the bench. Whom do you suggest the Liberals purchase next?

(a) John Diefenbaker? (b)

Maureen McTeer? (c) John Wayne?

2. Please do an essay explaining, in some detail, why Tiger Williams of the Toronto Maple Leafs should be held up as a model for your children. A maximum of 20 words is considered sufficient.

3. Outline three major quotes of Joe Clark’s political career that you feel are destined for Bartlett’s.

4. Solicitor-General Jean-Jacques Blais admits that 24 RCMP files over two years dealing with electronic surveillance have gone missing. However, he points out, it is not certain the files were destroyed—it’s just that the documents “are not there.” Would you trust Mr. Blais with (a) your lunch? (b) your bus fare? (c) your police?

5. Do you feel that René Simard and Howie Meeker are clones? Explain.

6. Ontario movie censor Donald Sims has banned the film Pretty Baby not because of content but because he doesn't agree with theme. Please examine what Mr. Sims’ attitude would be toward (a) Macbet hl (b) Jack and the Beanstalk! (c) Hansel and Gretel!

7. Please give us your thoughts on the fact that Atomic Energy of Canada Chairman Ross Campbell accepted a free ride to Argentina at the same time as AECL was attempting to sell an atomic reactor to that country. Remember, this is a family journal.

8. Who is Ed Broadbent? Explain why.

9. Claude Wagner, originally a Quebec Liberal cabinet minister, was bought off the bench by way of a $300,000 trust fund to become a Tory. The Liberals have now

bought him and opened up his Quebec seat by appointing him to the Senate. (He still receives the interest from the slush fund.) Please estimate what it would take for the NDP to purchase Mr. Wagner. Social Credit? The Gyro Club?

10. Toronto Argonauts have been rebuffed in their bid to hire a convicted drug trafficker, former Miami Dolphin Don Reese, as a lineman. Whom do you think

the Argos could really use to help their team? (a) Jack the Ripper? (b) Lizzie Borden? (c) Joe Krol?

11. The Commons question periodis now televised. What do you feel it reminds you of most? (a) Gilligan’s Island! (b) The Edge of Might! (c) The Gong Show!

12. Harold Ballard, the mouthy owner of hockey’s Toronto Maple Leafs has bought football’s Hamilton Tiger-Cats. Do you feel this will (a) civilize Hamilton?

(b) put Ballard in touch with common working people? (c) none of the above?

13. Contribute a brief essay on the magic gift for spotting talent that has resulted in Mr. Trudeau’s choice of the last four solicitors-general.

14. Do you think there would be all this trouble in Ottawa if Joe Clark were alive?

15. The Social Credit government of B.C.—which 20 years ago had the honor of contributing the first cabinet minister in Commonwealth history to go to jail for accepting bribes—is composed of equal parts millionaires and car dealers. It has now charged one of its own ministers, exRhodes scholar Jack Davis, with fraud concerning converting first-class airline tickets to economy. Are the Socreds’ troubles due to the financial acumen of millionaires? Or the ethics of car dealers?

16. Now that you have had a chance to observe him under fire, how would you rate Jimmy Carter? (a) Harry Truman with a better tailor? (b) Lyndon Johnson with a better accent? (c) Billy Carter with a slightly better education?

17. Justice Minister Ron Basford has decided not to prosecute Tory MP Tom Cossitt for violating the Official Secrets Act, but has charged The Toronto Sun for

revealing the same material, while ignoring CTV, which aired the same “secret” material. Does this indicate that (a) the Liberals are afraid of making Cossitt a martyr? (b) the Liberals are so dumb as to prosecute a popular, anti-Liberal tabloid?

(c) cabinet ministers don’t stay up late enough to watch TV?

18. The “secrets” that Cossitt and The Toronto Sun had received, as it turns out, had been distributed in 58 copies to various government departments. Would you trust this government with (a) your lunch? (b) your bus fare? (c) your country?

19. Explain, in 259 words, why Fred Davis would make

such a wonderful prime minister.

20. Sun Life President Thomas Galt, who first announced that the insurance company was moving from Montreal to Toronto because of language reasons and later admitted it was for business reasons, refuses to say what proportion of 330,000 mailed proxy votes in favor of the move were from Canada. (Only one-third of Sun Life’s 1,037,000 policy holders are Canadians.) Does this (a) make you feel sorry for Montreal? (b) reinforce your faith in Toronto? (c) confirm everything you’ve always felt about life insurance executives?

21. Explain the three reasons why you are no longer nervous about Lévesque.

22. George Radwanski, in his book on Pierre Trudeau, says the PM is not a failure but merely “unfulfilled.” With unemployment at one million, the dollar drifting below 90 cents and a separatist government in Quebec, please repair to the dictionary and look up the meaning of “unfulfilled.” Send your findings to Mr. Radwanski.

23. Finance Minister Jean Chrétien says the Liberals admittedly have been bummers, “but the alternative is awful.” Do you feel Mr. Chrétien (a) should be rewarded for his honesty? (b) complimented for his sense of humor? (c) tossed out of office? Choose one.