Coiumn

Alas for poor Melvin, who walked on broken glass—his boa constrictor did him in

Allan Fotheringham January 1 1979
Coiumn

Alas for poor Melvin, who walked on broken glass—his boa constrictor did him in

Allan Fotheringham January 1 1979

Alas for poor Melvin, who walked on broken glass—his boa constrictor did him in

Coiumn

Allan Fotheringham

The quotes of 1978: “I can lose, but I never do.” —Pierre Trudeau.

“Canada is the first country that I’d close up if I did not live here.”

-K-tel International, Inc. President Philip Kives, in a comment to the annual meeting.

“I wish some people in high places would stop talking about the threemartini lunch. I happen to think that the three-martini lunch is the epitome of American efficiency.

Where else can you get an earful, a bellyful and a snootful at the same time?”

—Former president Gerald Ford, criticizing President Carter for his comments about expense account living.

“I think I know how Jesus felt on the cross.”

—Leo Cahill, after being fired as coach of the Toronto Argonauts.

“I’m old-fashioned and probably differ from my college class-mates, but I £ wanted to wait until I met f the man I was going to i marry. That’s the reason I ^ waited until I met Kirk.”

—Former U.S. beauty queen Joyce McKinney, who jumped bail in Britain and fied disguised as a deaf mute just before her scheduled trial on charges of kidnapping Mormon missionary Kirk Anderson and chaining h im to a bed in a remote fa rm cottage in England.

“I heard what the prime minister said yesterday. He did not say bunk.”

—Allan Lawrence (PC-Northumberland-Durham).

“The word I used is bunk, the word I think I should have used is bunk.” —Pierre Trudeau.

“All across this nation Canadians heard the prime minister say what he thought, and it starts with bull and it ends with another word —a four-letter word.”

—John Diefenbaker.

“Shut up, George.”

—Pierre Trudeau.

“I’m always disappointed if I see someone I know on my flight because then I have to chat. I prefer to read.” —Senator Keith Davey, co-chairman

of the Liberal campaign strategy, in a Weekend Magazine profile.

“If it were within my power to wave a magic wand, I’d be happily married with lots of little children at my feet— baking bread, canning preserves, pickling, singing—happy.”

—Margaret Trudeau.

“Acceleration is static.”

—Michael Warren, chief general manager of the Toronto Transit Commission, explaining the transit system's decline in its number of riders.

“At least my situation can be reme-

died—but whoever heard of silicone for the brain?”

—Stella Parton, sister of buxom country/rock singer Dolly Parton, after Billy Carter said Stella's inferiority complex is worse than his own because Stella's “flat-chested. ”

“I desire the Poles carnally.”

—Jimmy Carter's interpreter, translating the president's remarks on arriving in Warsaw.

“But I sink. My head . . . dreadful thing to tell you, but my head . . . most people’s heads do float. But I’m told by people who teach swimming that there are some of us whose head is—this is the way I’ll put it—heavier than the rest of us. And it goes down.”

—Joe Clark, explaining why he can’t swim.

“It could be. I’m not advancing that my thought processes are absolutely devoid of obscurity.”

—Jean-Jacques Blais, explaining as solicitor-general that he might be partly to blame for giving the impression he

didn't think “surreptitious entries” by the RCMP were illegal.

“It wasn’t a pleasant thing to have to do, but I had little choice. Unfortunately, Le Grand Melvin was already dead.”

—Gaétan Grenon, manager of Club Latuquois in La Tuque, Quebec, after he had cut off with a knife the head of a boa constrictor that had inadvertently strangled, before an audience of 150, nightclub entertainer Jean Guy Leclair, who performed under the name of Grand Melvin and wore a vampire's black cape and fangs, walked on broken glass and pierced his skin with nails.

“But I don’t type. Just so some people won’t think Conrad married his secretary.”

—Shirley Walters, treasurer and corporate secretary of Western Dominion Investment Co. Ltd. of Mon treal, after she married 33-year-old A rgus tycoon Conrad Black.

“I didn’t think it was relevant.”

—Former Atomic Energy of Canada president J. Lome Gray, explaining to the Commons’ public accounts committee why he had not earlier mentioned he had received a $50,000 consulting fee from a Italian firm involved in a sale of an AECL nuclear reactor to Argentina.

“For instance, to gain a first down, a team has to carry the ball 10 yards. By requiring that the gain be 10 metres, the teams would have to cover a greater distance.”

—Sinclair Volk, an Ottawa metric commission official, arguing that the Canadian Football League going metric would make football “more exciting. ”

“Why can’t these guys just go hunting and fishing, like we used to do in the old days?”

—Calgary Stampeders’ coach Jack Gotta, after linebacker Blain Lamoureux appeared nude in a magazine for homosexuals.

“I can take all the time I want to show the people that I can run the country.”

—Pierre Trudeau, after losing 13 of 15 byelections.