Column

A summertime fantasy: let the good times roll

Allan Fotheringham July 21 1980
Column

A summertime fantasy: let the good times roll

Allan Fotheringham July 21 1980

A summertime fantasy: let the good times roll

Column

Allan Fotheringham

Time now, folk, for the summer revival of the Free Fotheringay Current Events Whiz Quiz. Only one entry per customer. Marks will be awarded for promptness of reply—and neatness. Entries must be in triplicate.

1. Premier Bill Davis of Ontario, Miss Piggy’s version of a statesman, is attending the Republican presidential convention in Detroit. Do you believe this is because:

(a) he secretly envies Ronnie Reagan’s hair tint?

(b) he secretly envies Ronnie Reagan’s mipd tint?

(c) he openly envies Ronnie’s eye crinklies?

2. You are a Calgary businessman. Whom do you regard, considering the peril that the Heritage Fund may fall over one day from its own weight and break your neck, as the Mr.

Warmth of Canada?

(a) Marc Lalonde?

(b) Mr. Trudeau?

(c) Harold Ballard?

3. The Liberal Party of Canada, one of the great charitable organizations of our time, has elected as its new party president a Household Finance vice-president by the name of Norman MacLeod. What do you think are his prospects of being appointed to the Senate of Canada, that admired Valhalla of high minds, distinguished thinkers and faded hacks?

(a) considerable?

(b) six months?

(c) when his Chargex runs out?

4. Identify, by name, within 10 seconds, Canada’s External Affairs minister.

How can you tell?

5. Compare the odds of the Toronto Argonauts becoming the Grey Cup champions in late November with the Liberal government’s ability of explaining, by the same date, how it is now going to have to raise the price of gasoline at about the same rate as the Joe Clark government

Allan Fotheringham is a columnist for the FP News Service.

warned us would have to take place.

6. Harold Ballard has not insulted Darryl Sittler for at least a fortnight. Is this because:

(a) the Toronto headlines have been consumed with the Olympics?

(b) Harold has been into the hash?

(c) Harold, the ultimate boy-jock masquerading as a man, has decided his Hamilton Tiger-Cats need publicity more?

7. The biggest current issue in the civic politics of Toronto, the largest and supposedly most sophisticated city of the realm, is that Mayor John Sewell was caught attending a live sex show in Amsterdam while on expense-account civic duties. Since Toronto presages all advanced trends, does this indicate:

(a) approval?

(b) envy?

(c) basic acceptance of the income tax department’s principle that whatever turns you on is just a variation of a Big Mac? With whipped cream?

8. Compose a fantasy. Imagine an imaginary nation, the richest, most advanced, innovative and vigorous country in the history of mankind, that is seriously contemplating electing a 69-year-old exmovie star as its head of state. This is all fantasy. Let your imagination roll. Keep it down to 20,000 words.

9. Whatever happened to Joe Clark?

How can you tell?

10. The Liberal party, whose headquarters is in the basement Grill room of the Chateau Laurier, deigned to move its annual convention to the wasteland of Winnipeg and made the headlines mainly because of two all-night drinking parties in a hotel owned by Lloyd Axworthy’s brother. Does this indicate:

(a) a plaintive Eastern attempt to adapt to frontier saloon habits?

(b) the traditional Liberal thirst for power?

(c) the joy of being in power, again, with a majority government, achieved without western support? Think carefully.

11. If asked to select from the omnibus of Herb Gray witticisms, which would you choose?

12. In a warmth contest between Peter Lougheed and Bill Bennett, would there be a winner? Explain.

13. John Crosbie’s wife, explaining what happened to her husband’s famous budget and the fall of the Clark government, says, “The operation was a success, but the doctor died.” Do you feel there is a correlation between Tory wit and

the death wish? Please submit the last witticism from Allan MacEachen. Send proof.

14. What do you feel is the real date of Pierre Trudeau’s retirement?

(b) when he patriates the constitution?

(c) Guinness Book of World Records'?

Expand on your answer.

15. Give your true feelings on your desire for the Toronto Argonauts to reach the Grey Cup. (Entries from Alberta will be given special consideration.)

16. Compose a fantasy. Imagine an imaginary nation, ruled by a man who won election on the promise that if elected he would quit, who then threatened the provinces that if they didn’t agree with him on the constitution he would create one on his own, and warns his potential successors that anyone who pushes his succession hopes will be severely punished. This is a fantasy. Let your imagination roll.