COLUMN

All the news, printed to fit

Allan Fotheringham December 29 1986
COLUMN

All the news, printed to fit

Allan Fotheringham December 29 1986

All the news, printed to fit

COLUMN

Allan Fotheringham

The crystal ball is slightly more fuzzy than is the usual case at year-end. It is clouded with debris from the laundered money that went to Israel to supply arms to Iran in its war with Iraq, and instead was forwarded to Nicaragua but never got there because it ended up in the expensive advertising campaigns of the Republicans trying to defeat Democratic candidates, who felt the United States has no business trying to overthrow a foreign government. It’s hell being a seer these days. It’s even worse being a comic— there being so many amateurs in the business, most of them, as it turns out, in the White House basement.

The muddification is clearing slightly, however, and 1987 looms through the mist. Events take shape. It is our business to warn you about them. There’s going to be a big change in John Turner. Someone is going to take all those handme-down 1950s suits that he inherited from Victor Mature and put them in the incinerator. He will emerge with some natural-shoulder threads from Miami Vice, will punk-rock his hair in an attempt to strengthen his fading Quebec appeal and will put his black lace-ups into the shredder. He will enter Question Period wearing Reeboks. The Gallup will quiver.

Ronnie Rambo, whose visage has shattered like a Ming vase, will be revealed as the figure his most severe critics have always maintained: an old man whose lazy and casual attitude toward leadership allowed the crazed cowboys beneath him to bend the law just as much as Nixon’s lads did. Once the truth is out, after 14 congressional committees create three presidential candidates, it will be revealed that the CIA bombing maps supplied to Iraq in its war with Iran were secretly written into the game plan that allowed the New York Giants to defeat the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl.

Reporters will stop comparing Brian Mulroney to R. Reagan and instead

Allan Fotheringham Southam News.

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will discover that a more likely clone is Bill Vander Slap, the smiling owner of British California. Like Reagan, he does not like reading much and, as with the confused occupant of the White House, seems to get his philosophy from the anecdotes in Reader's Digest. Richard Hatfield, by the wayfollowing his triumphant appearance with the Royal Canadian Air Farce on CBC Radio—will be re-elected in New Brunswick. Craig Oliver, Canada’s answer to David Letterman, will become a host on CTV’s Canada AM. Iona Campagnolo, despite her successful imper-

sonation of Jack Webster, will run in a B.C. federal byelection and win a seat for the Liberals.

Mike Duffy, the famous “Mr. D.,” despite the rumor, will not become the new journalism dean at King’s College in Halifax, but he will await a Liberal nomination in Prince Edward Island for the next election. The Vancouver Canucks will not win the Stanley Cup. The CPR, once Canada’s grandest company, will continue its desire to shuck off its heritage, dumping its planes and ships and trucks and mines and becoming nothing but a high-class finance company. I hope they are happy. CP Air, having finally shucked the San Francisco ad agency-inspired idea of having horrendous orange-and-yellow jets, and having spent $90,000 per plane to repaint them a sedate blue-and-grey, now must repaint them immediately after being swallowed by little PWA. I hope the planes will be happy.

Sheila Copps will bring her new baby into Question Period and John

Crosbie won’t say a word. The Prime Minister will continue to make Claire Hoy into a national name by attacking the Toronto Sun columnist. Claire Hoy will publish a book on Mulroney, calling the section on Mila “Imelda il.” Mila will smile at him at a cocktail party, and Hoy won’t know what to say. Senator Keith Davey will bring out his new book, The Remaindermaker, and will autograph it in Inuvik.

Simon Reisman and Peter Murphy will continue to play softball, while the rest of the world forgets about free trade. Bob White will continue his French lessons. Dave Barrett, when a byelection spot opens, will take an NDP seat in the House of Commons. Ben Johnson will break the world record for 100 m. Bill Vander Slam will say something stupid. Jimmy Pattison will be asked by Ottawa to build the causeway to Prince Edward Island and will decline. Larry Zolf will not be appointed to the Senate. Adrienne Clarkson, new boss of McClelland and Stewart, will persuade him to write a book on the chajá risma of Michael Wilson. I John Crosbie will say g something outrageous. Joe Clark will continue to say nothing, preparing his plan to be Prime Minister once again.

Unemployed youth riots will break out in Britain. Iran will continue to fight Iraq. Sean Penn will be arrested. Ollie North will become a household word. Nancy Reagan will be interim president, with Frank Sinatra the foreign policy adviser. Edmonton will not win the Stanley Cup. Larry Grossman will see the light and seek another line of work. Shelley Peterson will become a household word. New Zealand, on its first try, will win the America’s Cup. Don Getty’s boredom with politics will continue to show. The talk of the next Conservative leader will get down to Perrin Beatty and Barbara McDougall.

It will be revealed that Ivan Boesky was Ollie North’s accountant. The CPR will go into the pawnshop business. Pierre Berton will publish his memoirs. Jack Pickersgill will review them. Nancy Southam will become president of Seal-Bantam Books. We bring you all the news.