COLUMN

Pearls of wisdom worth preserving

ALLAN FOTHERINGHAM December 25 1995
COLUMN

Pearls of wisdom worth preserving

ALLAN FOTHERINGHAM December 25 1995

Pearls of wisdom worth preserving

COLUMN

ALLAN FOTHERINGHAM

It’s been a vintage year for those viewing the human comedy. It is a difficult time for a professional humorist when there are so many amateurs around.

“The Prince has not been on the couch.”

—a friend of Prince Charles, on the news that the heir to the throne has visited stress expert Dr. Alan McGlashan, 90, the psychiatrist who counselled Diana during their marriage crisis.

“If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit. ”

—Johnnie Cochrane.

“I go for sweet girls, honest girls. I like them to be independent and confident—but not too confident. ”

—Mike Tyson.

“He’s a stupid bore who couldn’t get a job in pictures, which is why he went into politics. ” —Frank Sinatra, referring to his friend Ronald Reagan in Shirley MacLaine’s new memoirs.

“It’s amazing what a broad will do for a buck. ” —Sinatra on MacLaine’s book.

“I’ve played in some cold NFL cities, like Green Bay and Buffalo, and I hear it can get worse up in Canada. Any player ever die in the cold weather during a game up there?”

—Billy Joe Tolliver, quarterback of the CFL team in Louisiana, Shreveport Pirates. “He looks smaller in the shower.”

—a New York police officer, on seeing nude photographs of fellow cop Edward Mallia in Playgirl.

“At the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp in Poland, which I once visited with horror, even the Nazis didn’t eliminate millions of Jews in pain or in blood. They perished without suffering, in the gas chambers. ”

—Justice Jean Bienvenue of Quebec Superior Court while sentencing a woman to life in prison for murdering her husband by slitting his throat with a razor blade.

“These are matters of constitution and constitution is not always a matter of logic. ”

—Justice Minister Allan Rock.

“I was never explicitly thinking of myself as one of the most important people in the world. In retrospect it was true, but at the time I didn’t realize it. ”

—Henry Kissinger.

“What sort of machismo beats through the heart and the soul and the body and the veins of a handful of Spanish captains, what sort of testosterone drives them to head for the Grand Banks, I don’t know. ”

—Fisheries Minister Brian Tobin.

“Gun control is punishing law-abiding citizens in their constitutional rights. The difference between Poland and Afghanistan is the right to bear arms. Had Germany the right to bear arms, there might have been no Holocaust. ”

—Newt Gingrich, Republican Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.

“As Forrest Gump said, ‘Shit happens,’ and this is just another episode. ”

—CTV president and CEO John Cassaday on his company’s decision to suddenly dismiss Canada AM’s Keith Morrison.

“I’ve never had a fatal disease. ”

—Andy Barrie, host of CBC Toronto Metro Morning.

“He’s scarier than my wife when I come home drunk. ”

—Japan Trade Minister Ryutaro Hashimoto on his American adversary, Mickey Kantor.

“Except for his tendency to get angry, arrogant and sulky, he is the most qualified. ”

—former Japanese PM Noboru Takeshita on Hashimoto’s prospects for the office.

‘Women have climbed higher on the scale of virtue, higher than man, and I have always believed that. But people say, and I believe it, that when they fall, women reach a level of baseness that the most vile men could not reach. ”

—Justice Jean Bienvenue.

“First I stopped a bicycle, cars and a streetcar. Now, I’m going to stop a train. ” —note left in his suitcase by Russian psychic healer E. Frenkel, who stepped in front of a freight train in Astrakhan with, the engineer testified, his arms raised, his head lowered and his body tensed.

“Last night, I did something completely insane. ”

—Hugh Grant.

“I would like to finish this case sometime this lifetime. ” —Judge Lance Ito.

“I’m very much in love. I could have married him four years ago if I’d just wanted to get rich. ”

—27-year-old model Anna Nicole Smith, in June, on marrying 90-yearold Texas oil baron J. Howard Marshall lí, who has since died.

“Teenagers are too young for sex. My theory is, don’t do it before you’re 21—and

then don’t tell me about it. ”

—Hillary Rodham Clinton.

“Marriage doesn’t set too well with me. I like the part about having a husband, it’s being the wife I can’t stand. ”

—Cybill Shepherd.

“It has never been a man’s world—they only think it is. ”

—Pauline Clare, Britain’s first female chief constable.

“We were both attacked by a knife. ”

—John Wayne Bobbitt, comparing himself to Nicole Brown Simpson.

“If we had God booked and Of. was available, we’d move God. ”

—Larry King.

“We are beaten, it’s true. But by what? Money and the ethnic vote. ”

—Jacques Parizeau.

“There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded. ”

—Diana, Princess of Wales.