Strategy Memo To:Matthew McConaughey, Sexiest Man Alive Your Sexcellency, Congratulations on being named to your prestigious post last week by People magazine! As a veteran of several Sexiest Man Alive administrations (not the Nick Nolte one-I had nothing to do with that debacle), I offer you the following advice in a spirit of camaraderie, unity and sexiness:
Job No. 1: Your first order of business is selecting a Vice-Sexiest Man Alive—the beautiful, beautiful man who’ll be just a disfiguring scar or bad haircut away from the top job. You want someone who’s on the right side of the issues—pro-shirtlessness, anti-unibrow— but someone whose sexiness is not quite as high octane, universally admired and potentially fatal to heterosexual women as your own. It’s all about balance. And sexiness.
Domestic Concerns: You assume your duties at a difficult time. The esteemed office of Sexiest Man Alive was denigrated by its most recent occupant, Jude Law—who exploited its influence to star in and force upon the American people approximately 437 movies, all of which sucked. Then he went and slept with the nanny.
The people need to hear a message of hope. They need to see you making a connection with the masses and rebuilding the noble institution of Sexiest Man Alive. Seductively unbuttoning your trousers while hollering “Gotta let it breathe!” oughta do the trick.
Never Forget: The key to any political strategy is to manage expectations. Hence, it is best to surround yourself early in your tenure with really ugly and/or overweight people. This will make you seem even sexier by comparison.
Inaugural Speech: Do what feels right for you. Harrison Ford chose a sombre, snowflecked day in rural Wyoming to give his memorable “Check out these glutes” address. Ben Affleck delivered his to twin blonds in the backseat of a Hummer.
The Media: They’re going to be hounding you to reveal your plan to deal with America’s rising sexiness deficit. Recently, the United States has fallen behind several Asian nations and, on the strength of Shania Twain videos alone, Canada.
In 2004 (the most recent figures available from the Organization of Sexually Attractive States), the United States dropped to 17th in the world in Gross Domestic Sexiness per capita, making this our least sexy period since 1986’s catastrophic leg-warmers fad. On the
positive side, the number-crunchers tell me we’ll shoot right back up to 12th if we can just get rid of that fat guy on Lost.
Don’t fall into the media’s trap. If you get stuck for something to say, just use these foolproof talking points:
•These leather pants are so snug and constricting—I think I’ll take them off.
• I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear your question over the sound of my buttocks flexing.
• I’d love to talk, but I’m late to teach underprivileged children how to count to six using my abs.
• Could you please ask that question more sexily?
Re-election campaign: The only man to twice be chosen Sexiest Man Alive is Brad Pitt, and even he had five long, unsexy years in between tenures. But don’t resign yourself to being a one-termer. Get to work now: build coalitions, lower taxes (it never hurts), obsessively wax your chest. Ultimately, though,
People need a message of hope. Sexily unbuttoning your pants while hollering ‘Gotta let it breathe,’ought to do it.
success will rely on making other men feel sexy. And to achieve that, you need to move quickly to pass into law a progressive twopart agenda, including:
1. A moustache amnesty—turn in your old, unsexy facial hair and get $100.
2. A bold national investment in sexiness, highlighted by a plan to get all men red cars and jean jackets with studs that spell names like “Bullet” and “Handfulla.”
Legacy: You have a year to advance your sexiness manifesto, but in many ways your legacy will be forged in these crucial first days. Will you be a caretaker SMA like Pierce Brosnan? Or will you risk failure by aiming high? (To this day, America remains stung by the lost promise of the Swayze administration— so much hair, so little to show for it.) What’s clear is that you now have a mandate to be sexy. Rally Americans to your vision. Tell them: “America was built on sexiness. It led the world in sexiness. And it will lead the world again!” Then rub oil all over your torso. M
Scott Feschuk was chiefofstaff to Sexiest Man Alive (1987), Harry Hamlin, and served in the administrations of Mark Harmon, Denzel Washington and, briefly, that of Ben Affleck, until he was fired in a dispute over sideburn length.
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