commedy

New Year’s letters from Britney Spears

SCOTT FESCHUK January 22 2007
commedy

New Year’s letters from Britney Spears

SCOTT FESCHUK January 22 2007

New Year’s letters from Britney Spears

commedy

SCOTT FESCHUK

Britney Spears has published a New Year’s letter on her official website, acknowledging that the past couple of years have been “quite a ride, ” but vowing to come back “bigger and better than ever.” Future New Year’s letters

to her devoted fans, from Britney Spears:

2008

Dear Fans,

How are you? I am fine. Not much going on these days to be honest. Just finished taping Celebrity Fit Club. (Please please please don’t watch it when it airs—I actually gained 10 pounds! Plus I shattered William Shatner’s pelvis during a game of musical chairs. Ouchie!)

You might be interested to know that the paparazzi and I got into it the other day. Yes, again! They just don’t understand the idea of privacy and peace. So I told them I’m not going to give them either until they start taking pictures of me again!!

Anyway, the good news is that I’ve been using my free time to catch up on my fan mail! A whole lot of you sure did write to me... in 2001.1 know it’s been awhile, but if you sent me a letter back then, well, watch your mailbox for a personal response, an autographed 8x10 and a notarized document legally binding you as co-signer for my line of credit at Harrah’s casino. Please return ASAP!

2009

Dear Fans,

Greetings from the Tulsa Airport Marriott! They have an awesome buffet here and I’ve really enjoyed singing in the piano lounge for the past several nights. The manager keeps asking me to hush up so people can hear the actual performer but I said to him, “Oh is this Communist Russia now? Bite me, Hitler.” Well, yours truly is finally back in the media!! Check out the double issue of People

magazine. I’m right there in the small box on page 143 under the headline, “Whatever Happened To...” Take that, Paris Federline, for having the nerve to call me a has-been!!

Fans, I want to tell you exclusively that even though my last album didn’t sell that well and the critics were mean and said the

songs were bad and that I probably shouldn’t have sung them with my mouth full, I’ve been working on new songs with this really great rookie producer. His name is Gary and he owns his own car and he’s totally going to marry me as soon as the time is right to tell his wife that he wants to divorce her, which is going to be really soon probably, he says.

Dear fans: I’ve really enjoyed singing in the piano lounge at the Tulsa Airport Marriott

On the downside, Gary got robbed while taking my ATM card in to be cleaned (he’s so thoughtful!), and the bad guys got the few hundred bucks I had left. (Don’t worry: Gary’s gone to a resort in Cancún to track them down!) But the sad thing is that I was saving that money for our daughter’s futurenow how’s she supposed to afford implants??

2010

Happy Breaking New Year, traitrs!! You sicken me.

Yes I’m drnk. SO WhAT?? YouR not the bosses of ME!!

I thought u were my fans but u have foresakin... forsooked... you have TOTALLY screwed me over!! To you I say: BOOOOO!

You know it’s like I tell my kids: u make a better door than a window!! now get out of

hte way so mommmy can watch The View!

Where wuz I goin with this ... ??

Anyway rmember that time when I didnt where underwear?? Well guess wht im not wearing them now iether -but this time it’s becz I can;t afford them so ha!!! 15 dollars for three pair? Stupid Wal-Mart, I’m not as rich as Einstein!!

2011

Dear Fans,

As I sit in this luxury hotel room, hoping the occupants don’t return before I finish off their mini-bar, I find myself thinking back on all the mistakes I’ve made in my life—and blaming you for them.

Life is funny. A few years ago I got paid $100,000 cash just to show up on New Year’s and puke all over some Vegas club. Last night I got paid $40 to show up for five hours at some Vegas McDonald’s—

and Jerry the manager says they’re going to keep $20 of that for my uniform.

On the bright side, now I have pants.

I wish I could thank all the fans who’ve stuck with me. Actually, I guess I can: Dave, Sarah, the other Dave, former president Clinton—I can’t tell you how much your continued support and low-interest loans have meant to me.

I read somewhere that you can’t go home again but apparently that’s not actually true which is good because I heard the IHOP in Baton Rouge is hiring. Order up!

Also: did you know you could sell your blood for money??! I didn’t either—but I do now! God bless America!!

Whoa, I feel all dizzy. M

ON THE WEB: For Scott Feschuk’s take on the news of the day, visit his audioblog www.macleans.ca/feschuk